DIY

31 Perfect Valentines For Unromantic People

Valentines-shmalentines — wanna bang?

1. For the Valentine who makes you want to vomit less than most other people do.

Buy here.

2. For the Valentine you want to play paleontologist with.

Buy here.

3. For the Valentine you’re stuck with.

Ehh.

Buy here.

4. For the Valentine you love in spite of all their many flaws.

Buy here.

5. For the Valentine who also happens to be your loofah.

You’ll never need to shell out the money for a Clarisonic.

Buy here.

6. For the Valentine who’s currently wearing too many articles of clothing.

Buy here.

7. For the Valentine you’d pull a Ross for.

The ultimate expression of love.

Buy here.

8. For when you want to cut to the chase as far as this whole Valentine card thing goes.

Buy here.

9. For a Valentine who appreciates fine poetry.

Buy here.

10. For a Valentine who deserves a dozen roses.

They’re called “Nylunds” and they can only be grown in St. Olaf.

Buy here.

11. For when your Valentine needs a meal plan.

Buy here.

12. For the Valentine you’d never use a Patronus Charm against.

Buy here.

13. For the Valentine you adore (“Darth breathing” and all).

Buy here.

14. For a Valentine who makes you all moony.

Buy here.

15. For the Valentine who makes you sing Baby Bash.

They have you “lifted shifted higher than a ceiling.”

Buy here.

16. For your rock.

You’d love him even if he always wore a turtleneck and fanny pack.

Buy here.

17. For the Valentine who loves you at your best and at your worst.

Buy here.

18. For the Valentine who could actually make a stove pipe hat look hot.

Is Daniel Day-Lewis your Valentine?

Buy here.

19. For when your love can only be measured using the Kardashian system.

The metric system just doesn’t cut it.

Buy here.

20. For a Valentine with an exceptional _______.

You fill in the blank.

Buy here.

21. For a Valentine who makes you carnivorous.

Buy here.

22. For the Cheryl to your Larry.

Buy here.

23. For the Valentine you’d get out the razor for.

Buy here.

24. For the Valentine whose booty you crave.

Buy here.

25. For a Valentine who doesn’t expect eloquence.

Buy here.

26. For a Valentine who could be displayed at a butcher shop.

Buy here.

27. For a Valentine in need of some instruction.

Buy here.

28. For a Valentine who would never judge.

Buy here.

29. For the Valentine who can make you speak Parseltongue.

Buy here.

30. For the Valentine you’d know even if they had their face surgically removed.

Face off or on, it’s love.

Buy here.

31. For the Valentine you can’t escape from.

… not that you’d try.

Buy here.

Here’s hoping you spend Valentine’s Day with someone who hates all the mushy bullshit as much as you do.

 

May true romance reign.

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