1. Prop up a teetering layer cake with a broom handle.
2. Use your beard to tidy up around the house.
3. Can't afford an expensive Tempur-Pedic pillow? Use someone's butt.
Like a Tempur-Pedic pillow, a pillowy ass will support your neck, conform to the shape of your head, and return to its original shape after use.
4. Save money on child care by having your dog supervise your offspring.
5. Ask a pair of rabbits to break in new shoes to avoid blisters.
6. Repair a malfunctioning appliance with jam.
If the jam doesn't work, try some butter. Do NOT use mustard (that's just silly).
7. Skip Tinder and OkCupid and let your pet find you a new boyfriend or girlfriend.
8. Use a fork to remove stubborn knots in long hair.
9. Skip the abrasive alarm clock and wake up in the morning with true love's first kiss.
10. Run out of clean glasses? Drink wine from a lute.
11. Simplify the food seasoning process with a spinning tray.
12. Impress your dinner party guests with enchanted serving ware.
13. Save money on electricity and illuminate your house with floating orbs of light.
14. Wear starfish instead of a bra to keep your nipples moisturized.
15. Keep a beaver around the house to cut things that scissors can't handle.
Why have a dog or cat when you could have a helpful beaver?
16. Secure a prisoner with bonds made from human hair.
17. Buff your nails with the top of a cattail plant.
18. Pop in your favorite movie to cheer yourself up after a long day at work.
This robot is fond of Hello, Dolly!
19. Plant an impenetrable wall of thistles around your home to keep out intruders.
20. Sleep under a leaky faucet to stay hydrated while you slumber.
21. Before leaving for a party, write out directions on your shirtfront.
This way you won't get lost if your phone runs out of batteries or you lose service.
22. Sift through your childhood drawings to find inspiration when building a new home.
23. Reattach a lost shadow using a sharp needle and some thread.
24. Use a rough tree trunk or rock to scratch an itch on your back or butt.
25. Stay organized by keeping your belongings in containers with pictorial labels.
26. Live in a large house? Paint helpful guides on the doors so your guests don't get lost.
27. Smear peanut butter on your dog's nose to keep him occupied.
28. Make the most out of the strange details in your rental apartment.
29. Invest in cooking classes from an accomplished rat chef.
30. Lock yourself in a tower for a decade (or two) to become an expert in a variety of different art forms.
Give yourself all the time in the world to learn how to paint, make candles, sculpt, and so much more.
31. Top your breakfast with a smile to cheer yourself up in the morning.
32. Only keep belongings that spark joy.
33. Save money on air conditioning by building a house out of ice.
You'll also save time on cleaning: Dust doesn't accumulate on frozen water!
34. Starting a new job? Embroider your name on your clothing to help your coworkers remember it.
35. Keep a mix of short-term and long-term goals on your to-do list.
You'll feel accomplished as you cross the easier things off, and it's good to keep your more difficult ambitions in mind so you don't forget to pursue them.