You light this mermaid candle and within minutes your legs begin to fuse together as scales blossom all over your thighs. Finally, you think, my dreams are coming true!
Suddenly, your lungs start to reject the air you're breathing. You try to drag yourself to water...but then you remember that you're in the living room of a third-floor walk-up apartment in Toledo.
You die. But at least you die a mermaid.