back to top

22 Candles You'll Want To Burn To The Ground Right Now

An eternal flame of WTF.

Posted on

3. Handmade 100% Beeswax Couple Candles ($15)

It's your anniversary: The rose petals are strewn, the champagne is on ice, and the mood lighting is lit. If these strange sex candles don't put him in the mood, what will?


5. Mermaid Candle ($24.95)

You light this mermaid candle and within minutes your legs begin to fuse together as scales blossom all over your thighs. Finally, you think, my dreams are coming true!

Suddenly, your lungs start to reject the air you're breathing. You try to drag yourself to water...but then you remember that you're in the living room of a third-floor walk-up apartment in Toledo.

You die. But at least you die a mermaid.


22. Horn Player Candle ($22)

You could burn him. Or you could tuck him into your purse and carry him with you everywhere. Make a reservation for two at a restaurant and tenderly place him in the seat across from you. Spoon some soup into his partially open mouth and let it dribble down onto his hobbitlike toes. Get your portrait taken by a photographer you found on Pinterest and upload it to your Facebook account. Wait for the likes to roll in. Tell the world that you have a love and he may be waxen but that does not mean that the connection is not real.