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1. A desk-sized inflatable tube pal to turn your desk into the best party spot this side of the street. The other side already has a used car lot...so.
2. A fruit bouquet that's gonna please picky eaters who know produce must be very cute if it is to be consumed.
3. Or a box of cereal for adults who refuse to grow out of their potty humor, even when their bowels seem to be cracking their own ~crappy~ jokes lately.
4. A zip-up tote with a secretly sensational pattern that'll make your heart dino-saur.
6. A tiny tub of fried chicken erasers to lightheartedly erase your mistakes when your assignments get rough – gotta remind the other English majors that *you* are the top of the ~pecking~ order.
7. A chunky knit cotton blanket for when you've gotten to the age where you can spot a draft from a mile away and need to cover your shivering self with a blanket worthy of a toddler's nap time.
8. A bestselling print – an imaginative way to inspire your adventurous soul to put the ~petal~ to the medal.
9. Guion The Lion, a charming picture book for grown-ups who never want to lose their imagination.
10. A cleaning putty for making the most mundane cleaning tasks way more fun. Ironically, this slimy substance can be used to remove the actual slime your children make/squish into every remote and keyboard in your home.
11. An octopus shower caddy so you can hold tentic-all of your stuff in one super convenient (and only slightly silly) place.
12. A pack of pizza box socks that are sure to be the ~cheesiest~ accessories you've ever worn.
13. A toilet night light so you can walk into the bathroom with confidence, even in the middle of the terrifying night. You're never too old to be afraid of what's lurking inside of the toilet bowl.
14. A windshield sun shade that's sure to be a great way to make friends with your neighbors – ~eye~ don't think you're gonna be able to get in your car without someone complimenting your sweet ride ever again.
15. A rad pastel bed set sure to give you the kind of psychedelic beauty rest only a candy-for-dinner high could create.
16. A saucy sticker that'll totally be everyone's ~taste~ in notebook decor.
17. An enamel pin to honor the sass you would serve your parents when they asked you to keep your room clean — a life joy you lost the day you first heard the term "cleaning checks" in the dorms.
18. A DIY fingerboard and half-pipe so you can relive the glory days of your high school skateboard career, even though you're worried you'd slip a disk on an actual skateboard these days.
19. A pack of bubblegum wax melts that'll melt your hard adult heart the minute you breathe in this nostalgic scent.
20. A dino shower attachment or toilet paper holder for pretend paleontologists who have continued loving fossils a skele-ton since the first time they stepped foot in a natural history museum.
21. A sunny watering can that'll make gardeners with a youthful humor giggle every time they tend to their plant family.
22. A Disney princess print to show off your Sleeping Beauty love in a way that's slightly less startling than singing "I know you!" to strangers on the street.
23. A perky pair of sunglasses every six-year-old on the block is gonna go heart eyes over whenever you walk by.
24. A pair of lightsaber chopsticks that'll be a surprisingly practical utensil set any lifelong Star Wars fan would Jedi for, no matter how grown up they may seem.
25. A ceramic serving tray for people who practically live for puns, and who are more than happy to lend a helping ~hand~ at the next dinner party they attend.
26. A one-pound bag of marshmallow cereal so you can finally make the breakfast you always told your mom you would eat every day when you grew up. Just don't tell your dentist.
27. A ray gun nose and ear hair trimmer for when your hair starts growing out of control and you need a way to laugh about it (but also destroy it).
28. A building block coffee mug so you can customize your mug in a way absolutely no one can confuse as their own. If they say they thought it was theirs, you can be certain they are ~toying~ with you!
29. And a toilet paper holder that'll make your baaahthroom beautifully fun and delight even your rather ~sheepish~ friends.
Me when the Gen-Zers tell me I'm not using the word "cap" correctly:
