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1. An air purifier — it's gonna clear up the air in your home so well that going outside to get "fresh air" will seem like an oxymoron.
2. A lice comb for when you just want to try on a nice hat but end up trying on a lice hat instead.
3. A drill brush kit because your parents have been trying to ~drill~ this into your head for years...you have to squeegee your shower or hard water will stain everything.
4. A window fly trap so you can get rid of pesky house flies in an efficient and sanitary way now that spring has brought back the bugs.
5. A box of salicylic acid wart-removing adhesive bandages — they're simply gonna look like you're covering up a scratch, but underneath it's gonna be a war zone on ya warts.
6. A hairbrush cleaning tool so you can avoid brushing your hair with a hair-and-dust-covered brush. Once strands of hair have left our heads they are a nasty evil. It's just a fact...ask your shower drain.
7. A box of septic-safe dishwasher cleaning tablets for obliterating mineral buildup and odors. If a washer is dirty...is it even a washer at all?
8. A microwave cleaner sure to save your microwave from a caked-on death by chocolate (mug cake).
9. A laundry whitener — it's gonna help make your stained whites look brighter than the day you bought them...no matter what your kid left on the floor for you to step in.
10. A TubShroom that'll keep your drain clog-free fur-ever.
11. A bedbug killer able to kill off the scary monsters on your bed faster than they can say, "Boo!"
12. A pet hair brush, because there's no way to ~brush off~ the need to remove pet fur from your furniture...unless you want your clothes, blankets, and guests covered in it as well.
13. A bottle of stainless-steel cleaner if you know the sight of nasty, sticky fingerprints would ~stick~ with you forever if you don't immediately wipe them away.
14. A carpet-scrubbing shampooer vacuum that'll make your carpet look as good as new. You know, from before your brown carpet dealt with two kids and two dogs...and was actually a white carpet.
15. A tongue scraper, because cleaning your tongue is an important part of oral hygiene — you can use this to take off all that bacteri-yuck.
16. A toilet scrubber that'll quickly help your toilet sparkle and shine before you start feeling too ~crappy~ about how dirty it gets.
17. A box of deep-cleansing pore strips to help you break free from your breakouts.
18. A terrific toenail brace that'll flatten out your nail to prevent it from jabbing into your skin. Your ingrown toenails are about to be de-feet-ed.
19. A bottle of pet earwax to clean out ear gunk so well your pets may finally hear you when you tell them to stop jumping on the furniture.
20. A pack of melamine erasers that'll clean your walls in an instant. Don't worry, it'll be like your kid's abstract marker masterpiece never ended up on your living room wall in the first place.
21. A ceramic cooktop cleaner that's safe on all smooth tops, including radiant and halogen. Which basically means you're gonna have a whole new set of mirrors in your kitchen. This gets things THAT clean.
22. A wheel cleaner to get your wheels on a roll, even if you have months of mud, salt, and rust piled on them.
23. A makeup brush shampoo for saving your complexion from the brushes you use to make your complexion look, you know, saved.
24. A water-based alkaline wood cleaner — it's gonna wipe away dirt, oil, and dried spills while being gentle on the wood itself. Turns out your hands were always filthy and your railings really felt it.
25. A dryer vent coil brush because you should make it a point to start cleaning every nook and cranny of the machines that keep your clothes clean.
26. A jetted tub cleaner for jets that have slowly stored your dead skin cells, dirt, and other bacteria-filled buildup all the times that cleaning yourself didn't involve cleaning the bathtub after.
27. A squeegee broom you're especially gonna want when you adopted a dog *before* leaving your non-pet-friendly place.
28. A grout pen that'll make your tile look cleaner than the day you moved in...unnervingly so.
Reviews in this post have been edited for length and clarity.