35 Products That Are Kinda Crude, Dude
These mother-fudging products are so flippin' crude you're sure to poop your heckin' pants laughing.
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1. A coffee mug for any foul-mouthed fiend who wants a sprinkle of swears with their spoonful of sugar.
2. A foul-smelling fragrance that's sure to be a hit at your next white elephant party... despite how much this gift actually stinks.
Promising review: "This stuff is great. It will pollute a room. I like it because you can spray it and then walk away discreetly. The smell will then start enveloping around and give you time to get away from the scene. Then, watch everyone start gagging and blame each other for the smell. At first, everyone will just try to ignore the smell, but then it is just impossible to ignore and chaos begins. Great classroom gag, especially if you are a teacher." —Rejeana Albert
Get it from Amazon for $14.95.
3. A sassy shirt in a perky pink color for wardrobes with a little bite.
Get it from Stabby Gabby on Etsy for $15 (available in sizes S–3XL).
4. A gritty gratitude journal so you can write about how great your day was without a drop of your sarcasm going to waste.
Promising review: "I was hesitant because I didn’t see any interior pictures, but it’s perfect! I ordered it for an over stressed mommy friend and I think I’ll be ordering one for myself too! It definitely made her laugh but she’s also excited to use it to put her emotions and to do lists on paper." —Kayla Ferenc
Get it from Amazon for $11.80.
5. A game of jizz roulette that's gonna make your (equally inappropriate friends) wanna ~cum~ over for game night, every night.
To play, fill the phallus with a liquid of your choice, spin the dial on the left ball to find out how many pumps you'll have to play, and spin the dial on the right to find out where you have to aim it. This game is a serious splash! Just don't forget some wet wipes.
Get it from Firebox for $23.99.
6. A tampon pouch for people who hate the ~bloody~ inconvenience of a period but still manage to embrace it with a laugh.
Get it from Just Wreath Designs on Etsy for $10.95.
7. An adult coloring book you'd have to be a ~dick~ to not love coloring in.
Promising review: "I have a friend that loves these kinds of coloring books. If you have a friend that has a funny sense of humor, likes to color to put some stress out on the paper, than I suggest gifting this." —Dustin Taylor
Get it from Amazon for $4.99.
8. An inappropriate pillow that'll be a skele-ton of fun to add to your bedding.
Get it from LookHuman for $25.99.
9. Or a sweatshirt you can wear if you have rather deadpan humor.
Get it from Sloth Shirts on Etsy for $28.99.
11. A festive candle that'll be a gift that's sure to ~sleigh~.
Get it from You Just Got Burned Co. on Etsy for $12.12+ (available in three sizes and 37 scents).
12. A graphic tee with some rather graphic life advice that's sure to help you show off your favorite life motto.
Get it from BuzzFeed's Good Advice Cupcake line at Hot Topic for $24.90+ (available in sizes S–2XL).
13. A bedtime story for parents whose parental block goes to bed hours before their child decides to.
Promising review: "This has to be the most hilariously spot on book for new parents ever written! If you feel justified in throwing the first stone at this author, well, you're just not invited to my next party. Also, you lack insight. But seriously, this book is not for those of a sensitive linguistic disposition as it uses the naughtyfiretruck word in nearly every stanza. However, the beautiful watercolor illustrations and the gentle imagery are far better executed than those found in many more popular children's bedtime reads." —JMH
Get it from Amazon for $13.47.
14. A Big Bastard Douchebag suitcase sure to be the best thing ever when you need to carry a shit-ton of stuff.
I mean it seriously when I say this is the best luggage I've ever owned. I recently carried a printer in mine (and filled the rest of it with paper), on the subway, in a rainstorm, at rush-hour. It rolled smoothly on flat surfaces and was easy to carry up and down stairs and manuever around other commuters, despite how heavy the printer was (the handles on the sides really come in, well, handy). I came home, walked it up three flights of stairs, and opened it up to see a securely packed printer and perfectly dry paper. Douchbags are the shit.
Get it from Douchebags for $249 (available in eight colors).
15. An iPhone case to give someone who likes to have their phone lookin' as juicy as they do while they're swiping right all night.
Get it from Valfre for $32 (available for iPhones 6–8).
16. A hand-wired ring for those moments when you wish you could give yourself the finger.
Get it from Passion and Love on Etsy for $13+ (available in seven colors and sizes 4–15).
18. A cheeky chicken cookbook – it's gonna teach you several ways to ~flip the bird~ and baste it to the best of your abilities.
This tantalizing book is filled with recipes like holy hell chicken wings, vanilla chicken, mustard-spanked chicken, and dozens of others you'd rather not describe to your mother at the dinner table.
Promising review: "My brother-in-law has been doing a lot of cooking lately and my sister suggested I get him cooking related gifts for Christmas this year. I got him several cookbooks, this being one of them. This was a huge oversight on my part however, because I knew this book was bound to be funny (I mean come on, it's called 'Fifty Shades of Chicken' and has a chicken all tied up on the front) but I did not realize how dirty most of the jokes would be/definitely geared more towards women. But my brother-in-law loved it, including how there were half-naked men modeling with the food in the book! All of the dishes have racy names and he went through every single page laughing and saying how much he loved it. Everyone also thought that my red and embarrassed face was perfect to go along with the gift! Overall, very successful gift, but it is definitely racy and geared more towards women!" —Sarah G
Get it from Amazon for $11.99.
19. A crappy game for parents who live for potty humor.
This game includes a mat, blindfold, four cans of dough, a plastic mold, spinner board, and instructions.
Promising review: "What a blast. This family game is soooo fun. Both kids and adults will get loads of laughs. This stuff does not stick and is not messy. I did not step in it but I chuckled when the kids did." —Alicia
Get it from Amazon for $17.20.
20. A sassy mug that perfectly describes your personality before you've downed your morning coffee.
21. A drinking card game you and your friends are sure to love, even when it turns all you cool cats into asshats.
This game is basically the Newlywed Game, Truth or Dare, and Cards Against Humanity all in one. The box includes 425 cards, so you can play this over and over without it getting repetitive.
Promising review: "This game takes your typical sit around party game to a completely different level. You’re no longer completing a sentence with the same card that wins every time. This game gets everyone involved every single round. It’s interactive in the best way. It strikes the perfect balance between being completely inappropriate and amazingly stupid. Every round is completely random and hysterical. To play, the first player up draws subject cards and everyone else guesses if that person is a fan/not a fan of each subject. For example, 'Pull-out Method or 'Pilgrims'. The person with most correct votes wins and least correct loses. If you tie, you draw a tiebreaker card and duke it out. For those, 'First one to make an ice cube disappear' was one of my personal favorites. The winner draws a c-cat card and loser draws an a-hat card. My friend Sara got to pick someone to be her personal fart machine. It made for a great Snap Chat video. There are some drinking cards mixed in as well, so it definitely makes the game even better if you’re knocking a few back." —Roger Serfass
Get it from Amazon for $25.
22. A picture book for people who like to picture their penis basically everywhere.
24. A T-bag teabag for anyone who thinks that poorly steeped loose leaf tastes like balls.
Promising review: "I ordered this for a white elephant gift and it was a hit! It came exactly as described. I will order this again if I ever need a funny gift." —Jennifer L
Get it from Amazon for $14.95 (available in three colors).
25. A multi-purpose dishtowel with some extra lovely language for the chef in your life who makes some frickin' delicious dishes.
Promising review: "This is my favorite dish towel! It's super cute and funny while also being useful. It brightens up the kitchen!" —Lauren Moreno
Get it from Amazon for $13.95.
26. A not-subtle-enough Christmas sweater that'll make Santa say, "Sorry ~Deer,~ you're on the naughty list."
Promising review: "This is a really nice quality sweater. I thought it was going to be cheap but it totally isn't. It has a nice, classic fit and my father-in-law got so many compliments on it... until people looked closer and saw that the deer were just a little too friendly with each other." —Kristi Rowe
Get it from Amazon for $39.95 (available in three colors and sizes S–XXL).
27. A dog calendar that's sure to make even shitty days pretty days.
Promising review: "I mean, it's definitely a calendar of dogs pooping. I bought it as a Christmas gift for a friend whose sense of humor is as childish as mine. She promptly took down the calendar she had previously purchased and replaced it with this one. It's prominently displayed on her dining room for all to enjoy as they eat." —Christine Martinez
Get it from Amazon for $16.99.
28. A set of three washcloths — every guest who uses these will think they're the tits.
29. A baby onesie to give new parents who know their baby's smile is gonna help them when sleepless nights have them feeling down in the ~dumps.~
Get it from MpowerU Shop on Etsy for $17.50 (available in three sizes and five colors).
30. A coffee table book that'll shock anyone who dares try and use it as a coaster.
31. A magnet pack of 72 refrigerator obscenities sure to help ignite your passion for profane poetry.
Get it from Amazon for $8.95 (available in 29 sets).
33. Or a wholesome game of You've Got Crabs for close friends who love getting together and having a laugh, even when they're feeling ~crabby.~
Don't forget to grab the expansion pack so you can ~claw~ your way to the top. The game already includes 78 cards, instructions, a foam turn indicator, 28 crab points, and a box with three drawer compartments. It's intended for ages seven and up. To play the game, split into teams of two, create a secret signal, and try to get four matching cards that only your partner knows about. Good luck!
Get it from Amazon for $24.99.
34. A premium seasoning you can throw on any shitty dish to make it way more delicious.
Promising review: "I first saw this at a local meat store. My husband and I kinda bought it because we thought it was hilarious. But the flavor of this is nothing laughable, it tastes great! You only need a little bit. We mainly use this on ribs. It also lasts a long time. I'll be sending this to my daughters, I'm sure they'll love it too!" —Rachel Eggleton
Get it from Amazon for $12.20.
35. And finally, a pair of penis or middle finger earrings (or get both and pair them together) for accessorizing with some serious statement pieces.
Get the penis pair for $23.55 (available in three colors) and the middle finger pair for $33.64 (available in four colors), both from Animal Hair Stuff on Etsy.
When your friends say your humor is too inappropriate.
Looking for more great finds? Check out some of our favorite cheap things to buy on Amazon, some of the weirdest things on Amazon you might actually want, or read through all the rest of our incredible Amazon product recommendations.
And if you want even more funny stuff, check out the posts below:
37 Products Your Mom Probably Won't Approve Of
29 Funny Gifts That Any Jokester Would Proudly Display In Their Home
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Reviews in this post have been edited for length and clarity.