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    Mar 2, 2019

    31 Products That, Against All Odds, Actually Exist

    A serial killer coloring book, ridiculous stress swan ~thing~, bacon-flavored soda, and 28 other products that probably shouldn't exist...but I'm dang glad they do.

    We hope you love the products we recommend! Just so you know, BuzzFeed may collect a share of sales or other compensation from the links on this page. Oh, and FYI — prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

    1. A serial killer coloring book which, unnervingly, has a surprising number of grandmothers inside — for people who like rather ~sketchy~ stress-reliving activities.

    Amazon, Mallory Mower / BuzzFeed

    Get it from Amazon for $7.92.

    2. A Fuggler that'll keep your kids from worrying about monsters under the bed. Give this to them and they'll only have to deal with the monster *beside* their decorative pillows.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $14.99+ (available in three styles).

    3. A ridiculous swan-thing you can squeeze whenever the stress of life is making you feel kinda ~fowl~.

    Urban Outfitters

    My love for all of David Shrigley's art is true love.

    Get it from Urban Outfitters for $15.

    4. A Rudolph thong to wrap around your favorite rein-dear.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $9.99.

    5. A party game so fun it's gonna guarantee no one is ever ejacu-late to game night ever again.

    Firebox

    To play, fill the phallus with a liquid of your choice, spin the dial on the left ball to find out how many pumps you'll have to play, and spin the dial on the right to find out where you have to aim it. This game is a serious splash! Just don't forget some wet wipes.

    Get it from Firebox for $25.99.

    6. A pack of six strange sodas that'll be an entertaining way to enjoy the moment and drink it all in... if you dare.

    Amazon

    This salvation-worthy selection includes bacon, PB&J, ranch, sweet corn, pumpkin pie, and Buffalo wing soda.

    Get them from Amazon for $23.75.

    7. A cat tongue brush your cat is gonna have a fur-ocious affection for.

    Amazon

    Honestly! Cats apparently dig this thing. When cats groom others (i.e. when you get stuck being licked repeatedly by their torturously scratchy tongue) they're creating a "pack sent." Use this and your cat will think you're a part of the club! Plus, strange as it may seem, it's great for grooming and keeping your cat relaxed.

    Promising review: "I bought this as a joke but the cat seems to like it a lot." —Simon B.

    Get it from Amazon for $20.99+ (available in two colors).

    8. A personalized dildo kit so you can be with your favorite willy whenever you want.

    Amazon

    This kit is easy to use, safe, and uses medical-grade materials to perfectly clone your perfect penis. It includes a vibrator and the ingredients needed to form your personalized dildo. I found this thing a few months ago and had to get one for my husband to try. He was just skeptical enough about it to actually do it. And guess what? This kit really does work like a charm! After it's finished drying, you'll have a vibe unlike anything you've had before (well, actually, it'll be pretty dang similar to something you've had before).

    Promising review: "I absolutely love this. It was SO much fun to make and I could not believe how well it worked. It is so lifelike. I highly recommend this product!" —Carly N. Germann

    Get it from Amazon for $49.95+ (available in nine colors).

    9. A foodie-approved charm (great on a necklace or as a keychain) that's gonna make you say, "Lasagn-yeah I have perfect taste in accessories, thanks."

    URTnRacky's

    Get it from URTnRacky's for $18+ (available in three styles).

    10. A wine bottle stopper you can pull out to save your drink during parties... as long as you aren't too ~chicken~ to show this thing off.

    Amazon, amazon.com

    Get it from Amazon for $14.53.

    11. A personalized gift wrap you can get to celebrate someone special — if they can ~face~ that much affection, that is.

    Firebox

    The only thing you need to make this wrapping paper happen is an image of the face you want to upload and a tiny bit of patience (it can take up to 14 days to have the paper manufactured).

    Get it from Firebox for $17.99+ (available in three sizes).

    12. A lumberjack outfit that'll make your four-legged friend look like the foreman of a lumber mill for some unnecessary (but adorable) reason.

    Amazon, Mallory Mower / BuzzFeed

    That handsome, hairless cat on the right is my baby boy Chuck. He occasionally wears clothes to stay warm and this outfit is a family favorite! It's easy for him to move in, stays clean when he uses the bathroom, and makes him look like Hugh Jackman in a movie about life in the wilderness (if you squint... a lot).

    Get it from Amazon for $12.51+ (available in sizes XS–XL).

    13. A mystery Cutetitos pet that, despite how creepy it is to throw a lovable stuffed animal into a tortilla, is totally gonna redefine the term "cute enough to eat."

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $9.99.

    14. A pair of 3D panties that'll look purrrfect on everybody.

    Amazon

    Get them from Amazon for $6.95+ (available in sizes M–L and 36 styles).

    15. A pimple popping pad which is gonna be, and I can't stress this enough, impussible to stop playing.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $14.58 (available in four styles).

    16. A sauce bottle you're sure to proudly (egg)plant on your counter the minute you get it.

    Firebox

    Get it from Firebox for $19.99.

    17. A pet rock so you can have a hassle-free pet that really, ahem, rocks.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $17.75.

    18. A pack of six cat magnets sure to make your roommate say, "Yeah butt... do we have to keep these up when my mom comes to visit?"

    Amazon

    Get them from Amazon for $10.95 (available in six styles).

    19. A pizza heating pad that'll solve all kinds of stomach cramps (sort of).

    Urban Outfitters

    And if you don't want to toss it in the microwave to have it hot and toasty, you can also throw it in the freezer and use it as a cool compress (cold pizza is the best pizza anyway).

    Get it from Urban Outfitters for $29.

    20. A decorative key holder that might look strange in your entryway, but it's still gonna hold tentic-all of your keys nicely.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $26.95.

    21. A pair of glowing, waterproof bike testicles so you can have a ~ball~ (and be safe!) while riding your bike at night.

    Amazon

    Get them from Amazon for $10.96+ (available in four colors).

    22. A tea infuser that'll steep your tea without things getting all Nessy.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $13.20.

    23. A soy wax candle that smells like Grandma's kitchen (on cookie day, not liverwurst day).

    Amazon

    This smells like apple pie and snickerdoodles and I am sold.

    Get it from Amazon for $23.75+ (available in 12 scents).

    24. A foot hammock for people who believe in literally putting their feet up and relaxing (as long as their boss isn't around).

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $11.99 (available in seven colors).

    25. A picture book full of poorly executed taxidermy — this'll definitely be a conversation piece on top of your table.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $9.99.

    26. A sequin pillow sure to prove your home decor choices are a national treasure.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $10.58.

    27. Or a shrimp pillow which, weirdly enough, is slightly less fishy than the Nicholas Cage one.

    Amazon

    Get it from Amazon for $21.99.

    28. And finally, a coffee alarm clock for anyone who is brave enough to wake up next to a boiling hot brew.

    Urban Outfitters

    This delightful decor can brew coffee or tea right as its alarm goes off, getting it ready before you even get out of bed. The water takes about four minutes to boil and there's a refrigerated section to keep a serving of milk fresh, naturally. On a more clock-like note, the alarm also has sound control — so turn it down and you can listen to the joyous sounds of your brew bubbling each and every morning.

    Get it from Urban Outfitters for $445.

    When your mom finds any of these in your place.

    BBC America

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