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1.A sweatshirt that'll let everyone know what your "new year, new me" game plan is. And by that I mean, changing nothing at all.
2.A box of Soylent to keep you fed even when you refuse to start cooking more in the new year. Because learning how to cook is for overachievers who have too much time (and new cooking gear) on their hands.
3.A cozy sleeved blanket for anyone who happily plans on continuing to cancel nights out and snuggle up at home on Fridays. Social lives are for 2020, we're pretty sure.
4.A pair of marble weights so you can laugh in the face of workout resolutions... this thing is clearly decor only.
5.Or a water bottle dumbbell so you can look like you're working out when really you're just sipping down on some choco milk.
6.A storage bench that'll be the perfect place to shove your mess whenever guests come over... actually organizing your home/life sounds like something someone with a resolution would do. No thanks.
7.A piece of wall decor, because going out more doesn't even make any sense when there's already wine at your place. Nature? I don't (want to) know her.
8.A canvas duffle for anyone who refuses to start meditating in the new year and would rather solve minor emotional problems with puns.
9.A bicycle pizza cutter, because joining Soul Cycle will never feed your soul as well as pizza does. It will not.
10.A graphic shirt for anyone who is ready to take on 2019... or actually, just ready to nap it off.
11.A travel pillow you just might want to keep at home — the thought of "traveling more" simply doesn't feel like something that would ~spice~ up your life right now.
12.A wall hook so you can tell your friends what you think about their resolution hype, without really telling them (blatant honesty sounds too much like a resolution to me).
13.A bag of cereal (sort of) for anyone who knows that eating healthier is important, but eating marshmallows will make 2019 far more sweet than a box of Bran Flakes would.
14.A tapestry you can put on your wall to mark the day you finally decide to make a New Year's resolution.
15.A book that'll help you look like you're really great at your job... without actually having to improve in the new year.
16.A pair of socks that'll remind you when the "beach body" ads start invading your accounts that every body is a beach body and you don't need to change a dang thing to be a wondrous beast.
17.A hangover supplement for anyone who laughs in the face of drinking less as a resolution, but wouldn't mind a few less hangovers in 2019.
18.A bath mat sure to satisfy anyone with a taste for puns and a ~sour~ attitude about the overly perky life goals people come up with each year.
19.A five pack of natural oil perfumes for people who aren't worried about the sweet smell of success this new year, but are just thinking about their smell in general.
20.A wall hanging you can point to when people ask you what your plans are for 2019.
21.A scratch-off book poster that'll be the best pseudo-resolution ever, because no one will be able to monitor whether you actually read them or not.
22.A mirror sticker, because losing your road rage in the new year would be like losing a part of yourself... which would make you as sad as the losers driving behind you.
23.An adjustable laptop stand so you can lie down, eat, watch a movie, and leave your bed exactly none times every weekend in 2019.
24.A bottle opener for anti-social heroes who would rather open a bottle at home than open the door to new friendships in the new year.
25.A diary of disappointments, with room to finally organize and plan out all of the events and appointments you'll have this year... and the kind of "encouragement" that'll keep you from sticking with any of them.
26.A pair of socks for anyone who has felt de-feet-ed every time they've tried to follow through on a resolution.
27.A button, because a year of saying "yes" to everything sounds horrible... but pressing this occasionally sounds "okurrr."
28.A pair of angled glasses so you can take your homebody habits to a whole new (horizontal) level, without having to actually do anything new at all.
29.A T-shirt for anyone out there who isn't looking for love in 2019 but would be down for a nap time anytime.
30.A grooming cat door with a clip-on brush, because you shouldn't ~brush off~ improving your pet's hygiene in the new year, but that doesn't mean you should have to do anything about it yourself.
31.A poster that'll accurately state your 2019 motto.
32.A candle you can light when people ask how you plan to improve yourself in the new year. This is a great way to let them know you plan to light up a room.
33.Or a cookie cutter set that'll show people what you think about learning how to bake in the new year.
34.A gummy sushi box for any picky eaters who would totally benefit from a year of more adventurous eating... but plans on doing no such thing, thank you very much.
35.A metal sign, because last year you thought you'd try a resolution to improve your gardening skills and it didn't help much. This year your game plan is gonna be sliiightly different.
36.A wine bottle glass for anyone who thinks that "living life to the fullest" is a ridiculous thing to say, unless they're referring to wine.
37.A mirror that'll let you be the person of the year you know you deserve to be... without doing a single thing on your end.
38.And finally, a unicorn pool toy tea infuser to remind yourself that life is both a day at the beach and a cup of tea when you don't throw unnecessary expectations on yourself.
Solid plan for all of 2019, TBH.
Looking for more traditional ways to start off the new year? Check out the posts below: