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1. A Squatty Potty that'll make using the bathroom a breeze for your bowels, it's just that waiting in line with a poo-stool in your hand would really have you down in the ~dumps~.
2. A nickel foot file sure to give you such smooth results you're gonna know it was worth every penny.
3. A weed cookbook for aspiring home chefs who would rather not explain to the teller where they get their...ingredients.
4. A shoe spray to greatly improve your rather pungent, sweaty scent (and buying it online means you won't have to ~sweat it~ at the register).
5. A hearty bottle of Poo-Pourri so you can keep your bathroom smelling beautiful, because we all know that everyone poops but we still like to pretend that fact doesn't ~stink~.
6. A pack of disposable urinals for camping and road trips and *not* for explaining to the fellow at the gas station why you're only buying these and a 52-oz soda.
7. A memory book that'll cover the not-so-Instagram-worthy moments your family shares together. Nobody needs to know you'd rather record your kid's worst bowel movements before their first steps.
8. A jug of bed bug spray best to buy from the privacy of your own pest-infested home, unless you're prepared to watch everyone start phantom-scratching while standing next to you in line.
9. A bidet attachment because let's be real, you don't want *anyone* to know you're just now picking up on this terrific toilet trend.
10. A box of gas relief pills that'll be easy to buy from the comfort of your own (currently pungent) apartment.
11. A DIY crafting book for clever crafters who will fur-ociously hide the evidence of where these cute critters came from.
12. A bottle of Carpe antiperspirant foot lotion just might finally get your perpetually sweaty feet dry...aside from the tears of joy they'll be crying when this ships.
13. A balm for help in clearing up toe jam, ringworm, and rashes basically as fast as you can click "add to cart."
14. A tube of toothpaste to ease your gums. Buying it online is gonna ease your worries about people thinking it's because you never floss (you sometimes floss).
15. A box of anti-diarrhea medication that'll soothe your stomach. This'll be good to have on hand *before* you and your date go enjoy some all-you-can-eat chicken wings.
16. A nail biting polish you can grab online if having one more person telling you to stop biting your nails will be the final ~nail~ in your coffin.
17. A bag of marshmallow cereal (with only the marshmallows) you're gonna love...as long as nobody knows you're a dentist who just bought marshmallows for breakfast.
18. A caffeinated butt mask sure to wake up your skincare routine but likely scandalize the nosey shopper behind you in line. But hey, they could use a little self care wakeup call! All butts deserve love!
19. A wine glass that'll bring you joy every time you touch it, far more joy than you'd have if the teller were to say, "Wow! You must really love wine!"
20. An anti-fungal polish for anyone who can no longer stand the sight of their fungus-filled nail art.
21. And finally, a four twenty candle that'll be loved by those who wanna celebrate their favorite "holiday" every day. A candle this great is gonna be (drumroll please) dope.
When I realize how many of these I genuinely need:
