21 Housemate Horror Stories That'll Make You Want To Live Alone Forever
NSFW language ahead.
A lot of these housemate stories seem to involve fecal matter.
1. Meghan Lewis Metcalfe (Facebook)
I had a roommate who thought pooing in the shower was an acceptable thing – she would do her business while showering, then pick it up with toilet paper and toss it in the commode. It was only after I discovered one of her "shower turd surprises" that she forgot to clean up that I knew she was doing this. When I confronted her she really thought it was normal and that everyone pooed while showering.
2. Laura Zabolotsky (Facebook)
I lived in a house that was advertised as being perfect for "artists". One of my housemates was a master's student who swore by natural remedies and composting etc. One day one of my other housemates was walking her Chihuahua in the backyard and noticed some poo that was definitely not her dogs. Basically, we figured out that it was the master's student. He said he had pooed in the back garden because it was good for the soil and better for the environment.
3. Ross Dimmock (Facebook)
When I lived in halls at university, my next-door roommate was a 43-year-old, very obese man with Rose West glasses who shat on the toilet floor and wiped it on the toilet seat. He also broke our shared shower as he couldn't fit and it would take four cleaners to clean his room weekly.
This is arguably worse than fecal matter.
4. Lavinia Tea (Facebook)
One time, I was sharing a house with three other girls. I went to use the toilet in the morning, did my thang, you know. I went to wipe, and when I pulled my hand back, there was a glob of period stuck my hand (I was not on my period). Yeah, one of my housemates left a glob of period blood/tissue stuck to the INSIDE of the toilet seat, which I touched. I wanted to die.
Some housemates are just on another level of weird.
5. Katy Alice (Facebook)
I had a housemate who wore long Victorian nightgowns and spent every night playing her keyboard on the harpsichord setting. We rarely crossed paths, but one time she was up really early (my usual time), came into the kitchen, made a SINGLE pancake, and ate it sitting across from me. She never said a word, and never broke her stare. She just ate the pancake then left the room.
I'm not entirely sure she wasn't the ghost of someone who died in 1873.
6. Luke Lewis
From my brother: "One flatmate kept pet white rats who would crawl all over him. Quite cute. Then they had a litter of babies. Even cuter. Except we went round after the pub one night to silence and a strange smell. We found found him in his room, high on meth, surrounded by eight rat corpses. He'd broken their necks. One by one."
Of course, one of the most awkward things that can happen is running into your housemate in the nude or in the middle of sex.
One time I was about to step into the shower then realized there was no shampoo, so I had to go back to my bedroom to get a new bottle. I thought I was home alone so didn't bother putting clothes back on. My roommate caught me doing the naked dash from my bedroom to the bathroom. I yelled, "SORRY" as I dove into the bathroom and slammed the door.
I just got out of the shower and I dropped the towel and bent over to grab my pants, and my roommate woke up off the couch with my asshole in her face. #GoodMorningSunshine
9. Phill Jacob Rogers (Facebook)
Came home with a few friends after a Saturday afternoon shopping and opened the front door to find my housemate standing naked in the hallway. His response... "I thought you were my mother."
He would also watch porn and masturbate loudly, and racked up a huge phone bill using the landline by calling sex lines. We had him evicted by informing the landlord.
10. Amanda Highlander (Facebook)
My roommate situation was getting intolerable, so I started packing up early. When I came back after the weekend, my roommate had taken my bed to put together with hers and was lying on it naked.
11. Jane Wortman (Facebook)
I had a roommate recently who before going to the shower would walk to the bathroom in just his boxers. This didn't bug me so much until he would try to make small chat for the next 15 minutes before going in and just smack his shit around over his undies and play with his balls. Even worse is that when he would get out of the shower, he would be wrapped in a tiny towel. My other three roommates and I would just be chilling on the couch watching Dragon Ball Z, and instead of changing and joining us, he would sit cross-legged on the floor for the next hour trying to chat our ears off and repeatedly shriek: "DON'T LOOK OVER HERE!" Uhm, well, stop trying to get our attention and put some fucking pants on!
This same roommate would also leave his dirty boxers in the shared bathroom, and one time he got two phone calls while in the shower. Instead of turning off the shower or calling back, he left the shower on and ran butt-naked, covered in bubbles with his hand over his junk, and locked himself in my room to talk while I was just outside of my room...TWICE. I confronted him, and his response? "Ahhhh, were roommates! Hug!" No thank you, you're still in a towel, buddy.
I had a roommate that was naked ALL THE TIME. There were a few times she wore panties but mostly she was completely naked, so I never sat in the public area. One time, her boyfriend came over while she was taking a bath. I was about to go open the door when she stepped out of the shower, walked to the door, and let the boyfriend in…all while naked!
13. Holly Vetro (Facebook)
I once unknowingly walked in on my housemates as they were in the middle of initiating sex and draped myself across their bodies after jokingly asking them, "Are you guys having sex?" but not believing them when they replied "yes" in unison.
14. Rosie Percy
I walked into the living room to eat breakfast only to find my gay housemate sandwiched on the sofa between a 16-year-old boy and a guy in nothing but latex hot pants, mirrored aviators, and a police hat. Weeks later, he walked in on me having sex with my boyfriend on the very same sofa. Touché.
Hearing your housemate have sex is never fun.
15. Katie Boyer (Facebook)
I woke up in the middle of the night to this squeaking noise — and this was in a college dorm, by the way, so we shared a small room. I then heard a very loud moan. Yes, I woke up to my roommate having sex while I was in the room. The worst part? She kept doing this even after I asked her not to.
And some people just have no boundaries or respect for your personal belongings.
16. Jess Weiner (Facebook)
We had a roommate who was into Skype sex and she used to rent our rooms out to strangers when we were out of town. She was pretty good at getting away with it until everyone but I left for a long weekend. She didn't know I had stayed. I lived in the darkest corner of the house — I think it was actually a utilities closet. Anyway, she was showing someone into my room and opened the door, and there I was. And after inspecting the other girls' rooms I figured out what she had been doing (for WEEKS at this point). I confronted her about it and she said she knew most of the people and had run "thorough" background checks on them. Whatever that means.
17. Matt Mook (Facebook)
I walked into my bedroom to find my housemate tossing off to a homemade sex tape of me and my fiancée that I had kept locked up in my trunk.
18. Scott Bryan
I once used a bottle of my uni housemate's Reggae Reggae sauce by mistake instead of mine. I came back from work one day to find that she had superglued my door in to the hinges and covered the locks in even more glue. They had to completely bash down the door so I could retrieve my belongings. All of this over Reggae Reggae sauce.
19. Matt Murtagh (Facebook)
I had a roommate who went on a weekend bender and as a result got alcohol poisoning. After work I went to cook dinner and realised one of my favourite expensive saucepans was missing. I went to go find it only to realise she had been using it as a sick bowl! I may or may not have pissed in her soup the following day!
I came home from work or class and went up the stairs toward my room. As I started to open the door, my housemate froze, covered up, and ran out of the room going into the bathroom. He stayed there for about an hour because he was embarrassed for masturbating to porn on my computer. He said later that I had a nice large computer screen and that it was better than using his laptop.
21. Michael Martin (Facebook)
I kept my hair short and would shave it off every couple of weeks. One day I was looking for my clippers but couldn't find them. I searched all over the house and eventually found my housemate Scott shaving his ballsack in the bathroom using my clippers. He just stood there continuing to shave while smiling. I think I found his smile creepier than the fact that he was using my clippers.