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24 First Date Rules For Straight Men Who Don't Want To Die Alone

Consider wearing pants!

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1. Don’t shower. See if you can work construction the day of your date. You want to know if she loves the real you.

2. Do some vanity push-ups before you go. You want to look swole. Bonus points if you pop a chest button on the date.

3. Wear pants.

4. Forget your wallet. It will empower the financially independent woman.

5. Always wear a condom. Go ahead and put it on before you leave the house. Safety first.

6. Keep your eyes above her neck at all times. If you’re walking through treacherous terrain because you’re in an apocalyptic movie of some kind, or maybe just a city street with potholes, still you cannot look down. Good luck.

7. Swing your dick around while you walk. You want to show her your coordination and dexterity.

8. Don’t mention any previous girlfriends. Best not to acknowledge that you’ve ever talked to a woman before. Except your mother. Women love it when you talk about your mother. Describe her eyes in great detail, so your date knows you’re not making her up.

9. There’s a spit test that tests your sexual chemistry for $200. This is a scam. Just spit on your date — it’s free! If she likes it, you’re a match.

10. If you see any small animals while on your date — squirrels, opossums, raccoons, crows — you’re going to want to trap those and kill them. Women like a provider.

11. Bring your tax forms and a recent pay stub. Girls want a banker on the streets and a tiger in the sheets.

12. Are you a tiger? Practice your best growl in the mirror before you go.

13. Be taller than your date. I DON’T CARE HOW YOU MAKE THIS HAPPEN JUST DO IT.

14. Make sure your Tinder notifications are turned on, and when you get another match, do an exploding fist bump with the bartender. You want her to know you’re a hot commodity.

15. Show her your soft side. It might be hard to locate if you’re extremely tough and manly, but it’s on the left back underside of your tongue.

16. Ask to see pictures of her friends and comment on how attractive they all are. This is a compliment to her.

17. If she asks you any questions, deflect and change the subject back to her. This includes but is not limited to what you do, where you’re from, what your name is, what you’re into, whether or not you want a drink. Women like mystery.

18. Do a quick Google search to find out if your star signs align. If not, shout "NEXT" loudly while waving for the check.

19. Text her something confusing before you leave the restaurant, to see how she performs under pressure. I recommend “Happy Friday :)”

20. Another good tactic: spontaneous lunge contest. The mother of your babies needs to be able to squat like an Olympian.

21. Insult the bartender’s beard to establish dominance.

22. Find out if she likes bananas early on. This means something. Possibly Freudian, possibly Jungian.

23. Grade your date on a point system, and go ahead and periodically let her know how she’s doing.

24. Order food and offer her some. If she accepts, glare at her and subtract 17 points. Women should eat in secret.


If you're a woman, we've got some helpful first date rules for you too.


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