1. Never wear a dress. Knees make men crazy. You don't want to start a frenzy.
2. Never wear makeup. Best to keep expectations low in case you never wear it again.
3. Don't shower. You want him to smell your pheromones.
4. Don't ask him on a second date. Don't ask about his family. Don't ask any questions. Don't talk.
5. Don't order food either. Fuel your hanger. You might need it if another woman looks at your date or if he turns out to be a serial killer or a car blocks the crosswalk.
6. Don't wear high heels. What if he's short? Don't not wear high heels either. What if he's tall? Go barefoot. Be prepared to cut off your feet.
7. Don't check your phone, especially not if it’s a life-changing professional opportunity. This date is your life. This date is everything.
8. Have someone call your phone so you don't look like a loser, though.
9. If (but only if) Jupiter's moons are aligned with your period, text your ex-boyfriend while on your date.
10. Take some selfies while on your date. Def take some selfies.
11. You may comment on one but not more than three Republican candidates for president who have already dropped out of the race.
12. If he asks your last name, play coy and pretend you don't have one. Tell him the aliens took it.
13. Don't get drunk. Definitely drink, though. How much depends on you! One drink, one and a half, two...not the last sip, though...but a little more...welp, now you've gone and done it. You're going to die alone.
14. Never go to the same restaurant twice.
15. Never go out with the same guy twice.
16. No showing pictures of your cat. This is not a euphemism.
17. Remember his name. This isn’t that important, actually. It’s easy not to use people’s names when you’re talking to them.
18. If he mentions any friends’ or brothers’ names, remember those. Men like that.
19. No spaghetti straps. The elbows are very sexy. That’s why the Vatican bans them.
20. No pockets. He’ll think you’re hiding something. (You are. It’s your heart.)
21. Let him pay, unless Mercury is in retrograde.
22. Ask to see his credit card and write down the numbers. This lets him know he shouldn’t ghost. And it’s kind, because he won’t have to carry his card next time.
23. Double-check his math on the tip. Visibly. You want him to know you’re paying attention.
24. No kissing. Seriously, no kissing. Not until you've both been tested...for love.