1. Accessorize Your Eye
Non-prescription nerd-glasses are losing their street cred. Never fear, the next trend in medically superfluous eyewear is here and it’s sure to dazzle your friends and impress your GF/BF who recently sort of showed you up when they learned the Bass Clarinet and brought it to a bunch of your friends’ parties. EYEPATCHES! Left eye, right eye, don’t matter because it serves no purpose! Edgy, provocative and slightly impairing to daily activity — how did we not see these coming? Great for driving when the sun is setting out your left/right window.
2. Get Back On the Wagon
You’re probably still riding a bicycle, single speed or otherwise, but so is your cousin who listens to Justin Bieber and eats dairy. You need to step up your game and get on the next level, where a shiny red radio flyer children’s wagon awaits. This transportation is slower than a bicycle, more difficult to not get hit by cars in, and requires an additional person with you at all times to pull and steer you around. You’ll be wondering why you waited this long to sit quasi-indian-style in one.
3. Throw Some Frogs On It
Plaid was once edgy and cool. All that has changed now, and this season plaid has been replaced by … frogs. All over your body. They’re going to be so in, it’s hard to believe they were ever out. If you can breath comfortably and your body temperature is feeling regulated, you do not have enough plush frogs on you and you must go apply more. Great for chilly fall weather!
4. Think Extreme Vintage
You’re walking around in a prairie home companion homespun dress you have been telling people once belonged to your great-grandma (honesty bores you), and you’re feeling on top of the world. Suddenly, you see Tay Swiffles on the cover of Us Magazine wearing what appears to be the same one. The answer, and trend number four on our list? Think…vintage-er. And what’s more vintage than the Neolithic Age? Go cave-person chic. Think flirty loincloths, zany bone-sourced accessories, and strategically-placed, sassy smears of dirt. If in an area where near-nudity is a recipe for pneumonia (not trending just yet), consider adding frogs! See above.
5. Get on the Teletubby Train
You were forced to throw away your Neutral Milk Hotel, Wilco, and Portishead albums when those grubby mainstreamers got their hands on them. Forget Radiohead, you turned your back on them when your mom told you she liked your CD about rainbows. What’s someone who has an unparalleled ability to listen to music without the slightest inkling how to play it to do? Focus on a genre that’s less enjoyable, infuriatingly repetitive, and has shorter fans. Children’s easy listening. Think Raffi, Teletubbies: The Album, and deep cuts off Mary Kate and Ashley’s early stuff. Talk about how pure it is, and how the subtexts are out of control. Be prepared to debate which Kidz Bop, 15 or 24, displayed the rawest sound.
6. Honestly, if in doubt, just tell everyone you’re Canadian. Or an alien.
Because the hipster life isn’t about being different, you guys. It’s about being the different-est.
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