1. Ugh, I hate my alarm.
2. Oh, it’s Friday morning. I can totally hit snooze just one more time.
3. Eh, I’ll shave on Sunday.
4. Too bad you can’t wear sweats on Casual Friday.
5. Ooh, a breakfast burrito sounds so good right now. I totally deserve one for working so hard this week.
6. When did it become common practice to interrogate people about their weekend plans? Like, if you have something you’re excited to tell me about, just do it.
7. Maybe I’m just bitter because I know I’ll be loading up on carbs and binge-watching Netflix all night.
8. Come to think of it, I should really buy a nicer pair of jeans. I know it’s “Casual” Friday, but I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to look a little sharper.
9. Maybe I’ll go shop around this weekend and look.
10. My boy Aziz would totally approve — “Treat yoself,” am I right?
11. I’ve only been here an hour? Are you serious? I cannot believe I have seven more hours in this cage.
12. Sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to be the guy from Office Space. It’d feel so good to push over this cubicle and just bounce.
13. Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.
14. What’s the real difference between “gangsta” and “gangster”?
15. Oh God, I wonder what people with children do on the weekends. I literally could not handle a crying baby after a hellishly long day.
16. How do people deal with sleepovers? Having six preteens gossiping in my living room would make me want to slam my face into a wall. Repeatedly.
17. Remember how cool TGIF was? Man, that was some good television. I feel bad for kids who have to watch the shit on the Disney Channel now.
18. The best part of Fridays as a kid was pizza, though.
19. Who am I kidding, it still is.
20. I wish life were that simple again. Now weekends are basically for doing chores.
21. Ew, I need to go to the grocery store, do laundry, wash my car, and clean my house.
22. Grocery shopping is the worst. I never know where anything is, and there are always screaming children. Just leave your kid at home or something.
23. I’d be the worst parent.
24. And laundry is so frustrating. Who actually knows how to do it? What the hell does “permanent press” even mean?
25. Whatever, I guess that’s what Sundays are for, though.
26. Yeah, I’ll do that on Sunday. Everyone knows Fridays are for kicking back, Saturdays are for going out and letting loose, and Sundays are for doing the shit you put off all week.
27. Oh man, I can’t believe I used to go to church every Sunday.
28. Maybe I should go again.
29. Nah, I’m too busy for that. My mother would be so disappointed.
30. Ah shoot, I should call my parents this weekend. I haven’t talked to them in a hot minute.
31. But then I’m going to answer their questions. Like, no mom, I still haven’t gotten a raise, and I’m still not even close to getting married.
32. Maybe I should invest more time into networking and looking for “The One.”
33. That just sounds like so much work, though. And where would I even start?
34. I guess Tinder could be a resource.
35. “Hi, your face is nice, but your connections seem even better.”
36. Yeah, I’m going to die alone.
37. What should I have for dinner tonight? What pairs well with House Of Cards?
38. I mean, carbs are a Friday night staple, but do I go with pizza, pasta, or rice?
39. Well, I’m definitely not cooking tonight, so I’m going to order.
40. Which places offer online ordering? As long as I don’t have to speak with another human, I’m cool.
41. Screw it, pizza and… damn, do I go with beer, whiskey, or wine? How classy am I feeling tonight?
42. Meh, I’ll pick up a six-pack. Then I can control how many bottles I drink.
43. Who am I kidding, I’m not going to be keeping track.
44. Now that I’m thinking about food, I cannot wait to get brunch this weekend.
45. Brunch is never what it’s like in the movies or on TV. Who even has the drive to wear heels on a Sunday morning?
46. Another reason I’ll die alone.
47. So, I’ve nailed down plans for Sunday — brunch and chores. Ugh, what am I going to do tomorrow?
48. Shopping, probably. Maybe I’ll see a movie. I haven’t been to the theater in a while.
49. Oooh, Captain America is out. Oh, but so is The Lego Movie.
50. But Cesar Chavez is out too, and I should really see something powerful.
51. I love feeling smart. It’d sound so much better during brunch discussion. Everyone would be impressed that I care about social movements and politics.
52. Legos are so fun, though.
53. Whatever, I’ll decide tomorrow. Just go with the flow, you know?
54. Oh, and I’ll get some popcorn. Maybe Milk Duds. Such a good combo.
55. Now I’m hungry again.
56. I wish carrots tasted as good as chocolate. Like, it’s not my fault that processed foods are so delightfully delicious.
57. Yet another reason I’ll die alone.
58. No, I’ll be fine. I mean, Ron got Hermione in the end. I’ll totally find someone.
59. I don’t care what J.K. Rowling says, they totally belong together. Hermoine and Harry would have been too obvious.
60. You know, I haven’t watched the whole series in a while. Maybe I’ll watch that tonight. Movie marathons are so much fun.
61. OMG, it’s finally 5 o’clock. YES. I cannot wait to get comfy, put on some Potter, and just relax.
62. I don’t even care about traffic today. I’m just so relieved I don’t have to take this drive until Monday.
63. * Turns up the radio * Ah shit, Rebecca Black. This song is so annoying. Whatever, it’s Friday!
- President Trump said he will skip the White House correspondents' dinner. Yesterday, he called the media "the enemy of the people."
- Tom Perez has been named chair of the Democratic National Committee. He was Obama's Labor Secretary.
- Barack Obama took Malia to see a Broadway show and everyone is talking about how refreshed he's looking 😎