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    24 Unspoken But Also Very Legally Binding Rules Every Dog Owner Must Follow

    The rules are the rules.

    1. If your dog is sleeping with their mouth open, and you can see their teeth, one must exclaim "TEEFIESSSS" out loud.

    2. It's illegal to not come running immediately if/when a person calls out "omg, come look at [dog's name]!!!"

    3. Bathroom doors are to be left OPEN when they are being used, so that the dog may enter and stare. That's called tit for tat.

    4. If a dog is seen in belly-up sleeping position, a picture must be taken.

    5. If a dog is seen in belly-up position but not sleeping, a belly rub must be given.

    6. Whenever passing by your dog, the law states one must say "hi!"

    7. One must have at minimum three nicknames for the dog, and at least one that is completely unrelated to the actual name and makes no sense at all.

    8. If your dog stretches, one must acknowledge the stretch, no matter how small or big the stretch.

    9. If a dog winks at you, it is mandatory to wink back.

    10. If your dog's ear is inside out, one must let them know it's inside out by saying, "hey silly, your ear is inside out!" Then the human must fix it.

    11. While walking your dog, if you see a dog that looks similar in breed/appearance, one is required to say "ohh look, it's your long-lost brother!"

    12. All dogs must be shown on any given Zoom call for a minimum of 15 seconds.

    13. Your dog looks cute? TELL THEM. It's the law.

    14. In all 50 states and Puerto Rico, it is required to ask your dog what they are looking at while they gaze out the window.

    15. All parts of the dog must be referred to in what are known as the "ies" — ie: teefies, leggies, earsies, toesies, feetsies, tongueie, etc.

    16. If the dog is being walked by two or more humans, as soon as the dog starts to take a poop, it must be put on the record by one of the humans saying, "Oop, we've got a pooper!"

    17. Eye goop is never to be left in the eye. It is the responsibilty of the human to remove and either discard the eye goop or let dog lick the eye goop from their fingers.

    18. When a dog yawns, the human must mimic the yawn back to the dog. It is the rule.

    19. If a dog brings you a bone or a toy, it is legally required to say "thank you" to them.

    20. If a dog finds a stick and picks it up, it is obligatory to tell the dog they've found a nice stick! No specific verbiage required, but it must be addressed.

    21. All dogs must try on a pair of glasses at least once in their life, but no more than 500 times.

    22. If a collar is removed for bath time or any other reason, it is a criminal offense to not point at the dog and tell them they're naked.

    23. If a mess is made and you know exactly who did it, it is still required by law to ask "WHO DID THIS?"

    24. Lastly, it is illegal to speak of what a bully stick is made out of.


    P.S. All dogs in this post are my friends' or family's dogs. They are all perfect.