Hi everyone. My name is Lauren, and this is the story of the 45 minutes I spent at the ~famous~ Vanity Fair Oscar Party — aka the most surreal 45 minutes of my life thus far.
I arrived at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party in Beverly Hills, California — home of Lisa Vanderpump. I don't know how I got here. I mean that literally. I drove myself to the party and got lost for, like, 20 minutes trying to find the place where I could valet my car. I finally found it, and handed my car keys to a nice valet man. I then heard people screaming something. They were either yelling "LAUREN!!! WE LOVE YOU!" Or "GAGA, WE LOVE YOU!" I wasn't sure at first which it was, but when I realized Lady Gaga and Elton John were exiting the car directly behind me, I figured that they were probably screaming the latter. Also I'm not famous and no one knows me. This was the very start of my brief time at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party.
First of all let me say: Holy shit. This party is the celebrity version of Minesweeper. You can't walk two feet without accidentally bumping into or walking past a famous person.
I walked in and almost brushed Saoirse Ronan's shoulder. She was telling a story to some friends, which meant I got to hear her Irish accent in real life. It took a lot of restraint to not run up to her and say, "I LIVE IN BROOKLYN!! WE ARE TWINSIES!!" I barely turned a corner when looked to my right to see Leonardo DiCaprio, hanging with at least one member of his old Pussy Posse, Tobey Maguire. There were a ton of other people crowding around them. I think I may have made eye contact with Leo for half of a half of a half of a second.
Before I could take my next step, Elizabeth Banks brushed past me. She looked amazing. I wanted to be her friend. I had already seen more celebrities in this room than I have in the last five years, and it was only the first 30 seconds of me being there. I kept walking.
11:46 p.m.–11:55 p.m.
This is what happened the next FOUR steps that I took:
• I see Minnie Driver.
• I see Vanessa Hudgens and Austin Butler standing with two other people. Austin Butler's hair is long and luxurious. I'm jealous.
• Charlize Theron walks by me. She's very tall and in a red dress. I officially feel like I've stepped into an alternate universe.
• I squeeze past Keegan-Michael Key to get to the bar.
• Brittany Snow and a friend of hers are at the bar too. I order a water.
This is when I turned around to see something that confirmed I was no longer in my body or this dimension: Taylor Swift and Lorde, I mean Lorde and Taylor, are standing a mere three feet from me, being offered In-N-Out Burgers from a waitress making the rounds. They both politely declined the burgers, but Taylor still said to the waitress that she was happy to meet her, and then she and Lorde walked deeper into the party. I gazed at them for maybe a little bit too long then turned my head toward the bar again.
11:56 p.m.–12:06 a.m.
Like any smart solo partygoer, I decided to do a few laps around the premises so that it seemed like I might be looking for someone, and was not just there alone. I even put on a "Jen, you said you'd be by the back right corner" face. I was in a room full of actors and I was acting. WAS I WAS ONE THEM? No. Definitely not. But this is what happened along the way:
・Borat and his wife, Isla Fisher, walked past me.
・I saw Khaleesi.
・I saw Olivia Pope.
・I saw Olivia Pope and Kate Beckinsale take a picture together.
・I went to the bathroom to put my hair up because the night had ruined it and when I came back up the stairs, but I didn't have a ponytail holder so I walked back up the stairs and then I saw Lana Del Rey. I wondered if I had asked Lana Del Rey for one, if she would've had an extra. I'll never know the answer.
I decided to head outside to the patio area of the party. I went in the hopes that Leonardo DiCaprio might be out there vaping. I even brought my own vape pen. I figured that maybe, in this other dimension I was suddenly in, it was possible I could somehow end up vaping with Leonardo DiCaprio. On my way outside I made room for Nina Dobrev walking inside, followed closely by Seth MacFarlane. I searched the outside, but Leonardo was nowhere to be found. My vaping buddy dreams had been crushed.
・Will Arnett squeezed past me when I was heading inside and he was heading outside.
・Michael Keaton was now standing where Leonardo DiCaprio was at the beginning of the night. Kate Upton was also in that area.
・Elton John was sitting on a couch.
・Lily Aldridge and Alessandra Ambrosio were dancing by the bar. They are models. They very much looked like models.
・Someone I didn't recognize was holding an Oscar about 10 inches from my face. It looked shiny. I wanted to touch it but didn't.
・Justin Timberlake was showing a video of his son doing something cute to Rooney Mara. He seemed really excited and dad-like.
Time freeze to talk to camera:
I could keep going about who I saw (and I will) but, to be honest, it might be easier to say who I didn't see. I know I didn't see Oprah because she wasn't there, and I also didn't see Mark McGrath, because I don't think he was invited. What I'm saying is this place WAS CRAWLING WITH FAMOUS PEOPLE. Sometimes I go to a fun party and there are 10 cool people there. I think this party had 87,000 cool people at it? But that's just a guesstimate... don't quote me on that.
I headed back to the bar area, where I was once again joined by Kate Beckinsale. Was she following me?!?! Probably not. I tried to do a cool leaning-on-the-bar move, to impress Kate. Click was a great movie, and she was great in it — but I don't think she realized I was a human standing near her. That's probably because Lady Gaga was now standing a foot in front of both of us at a bar table. Taylor Kinney was there beside her. It seemed like Kate wanted to meet Gaga. I wanted to pretend to be Kate's daughter and also meet Lady Gaga. But none of that happened; I just watched. And then it was time for me to go.
On my way out:
I said my goodbyes to my new celebrity friends. We all hugged and I said I'd meet them at the after-afterparty. JK. I walked out. By myself. As I did...
• Emily Ratajkowski walked by me.
• I saw Minnie Driver again.
• Rachel McAdams passed by me.
• Billy Eichner and a friend headed to the bar.
• Jared Leto sighting. JARED LETO SIGHTING.
Waiting for my car:
I handed someone my valet ticket and was directed to an area where everyone was waiting for their cars. And I mean everyone, like...every celebrity. Waiting for my car turned out to be the best part of the party. Giant black SUVs with drivers were pulling up at rapid-fire pace. Celebrities' names were just being called out when their cars arrived.
"SHERYL CROW? SHERYL CROW YOUR CAR IS HERE. SHERYL CROW?" Sheryl Crow was also nowhere to be found at the moment. I didn't even know Sheryl Crow was there. Sheryl Crow also must have missed her car.
"EDDIE REDMAYNE!!" EDDIE REDMAYNE? EDDIE REDMAYNE YOUR CAR. EDDIE REDMAYNE?" —A valet guy
Eddie Redmayne was nowhere to be found at the moment. Eddie must have been too busy Snapchatting to make it to his car. It probably had to make an airport loop and go through the whole thing again.
Still waiting for my car:
• Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton walked hand in hand, then disappeared into a car.
• Heidi Klum waited next to me for her vehicle for a few minutes; she was eating a cinnamon sugar doughnut. They were handed out upon leaving. (As were cappuccinos and espressos to go.)
• Lana Del Rey stood behind me for five minutes waiting for her vehicle.
• Sarah Silverman appeared.
• Jennifer Garner stood in a circle of people. Moments later Ben Affleck was in the same vicinity of people.
• Emily Blunt's name was called several times. She finally heard it and ran to the car saying, "I'm coming, I'm coming!"
At this point I had been waiting for my car for about 15 minutes. I realized I was definitely the only person at that entire party who drove herself. I plotted my quick escape so that I wouldn't be outed as a normal. But it seemed like this was a popular time to be leaving — it was 12:45 a.m. — and more famous people were joining the waiting area. I was going to get caught BEING MY OWN DRIVER!!! I finally saw my car. There it was, my Ford rental.
I ran into the driver's seat and drove away as quickly as I could, still wearing my heels, which is definitely a safety hazard because I can barely walk in them, let alone drive.
As I drove home, I ate some of the doughnuts that they gave us. You know, the same ones Heidi Klum was eating.
In conclusion: I'm basically Heidi Klum. And I'll probably never be invited to another Vanity Fair Oscar Party again.