Howdy, partner! It's me, the cotton candy sheriff, here to say that I don't know why I'm a cotton candy sheriff because cotton candy sucks!!!! Yes, it's true. Cotton candy is downright awful and I don't know why anyone eats it.
First of all, cotton candy is literally just strings of sugar. Like, that's basically it.
And when you eat a piece of cotton candy it just like disappears in your mouth. IT'S LIKE STRINGY AIR.
And let's be real: It's nasty! When it gets wet it just gets all clumpy and you end up with cotton candy mouth.
Also, with only a slight bit of pressure it turns into that hard, crystallized cotton candy that's basically just sugar cardboard!!
Actually, speaking of, I'd like to share a little anecdote. A friend of mine who I'll call Kendall, because that's her real name, bought some cotton candy at a street fair a few weeks ago. I didn't understand why. She didn't finish the cotton candy, so she put it in my bag. I forgot about the cotton candy and woke up the next morning and reached into my bag and all that was left was some stiff, squished pink rectangle. I literally cracked it in half because it was so hard. I'm shivering just thinking about it.
ANYWHO, let's continue. Not only is cotton candy uncouth on its own, but now people have started to add it to other foods, which confuses and concerns me.
Like, why the fork would you put cotton candy on pancakes? Pancakes are a treasure — they shouldn't be tainted by pink and blue blobs of trash.
And why in the lordt's name would you put this monstrous glob of cotton candy on whatever the hell this thing is? The only explanation is if you want to make a bad thing worse.
And why oh WHYYYYY does rolling cotton candy around ice cream a) constitute being a burrito b) SOUND APPETIZING AT ALL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
Also in France they call cotton candy "barbe à papa," which translates to "father's beard." Imagine eating your dad's beard!!!!! No thx!
No no no no.
It's time to rid the world of cotton candy.