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What People Say On The Internet, Vs What They Mean

I can't even with these social media clichés.

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1. #Hashtagging #every #word #in #a #sentence - I don't understand what hashtags are, so I use them on everything to be on the safe side.

2. Writing. Full. Stops. After. Every. Word - I am overly dramatic.

3. "A thing I wrote . . ." - I am a journalist and am pretending to be off-hand about an article that I am secretly extremely pleased with.

4. "Thrilled to announce" - I have got a new job and I demand praise.

"Smart take" - I am a serious person sharing serious articles.

5. "Another wonderful column by @caitlinmoran" - I am sucking up to a celebrity in the deluded hope of a follow.

6. "LOL" - I am entirely stony faced as I type this on my phone while queuing up at the Post Office.

7. "RIP :-(" - I am tweeting the news of a celebrity death in a shameless bid to win retweets.

8. "YOLO" - I have just done something incredibly pedestrian and unremarkable.

9. "Just sayin'" - I didn't know how to end this tweet. Will this do?

10. "OMG" - I am excitable.

11. "ZOMG" - I am zany.

12. "OMGGGG" - I am irritating.

13. "WTF" - I am confused.

14. "FFS" - I am angry.

15. "FTW" - I am impressed.

16. "Amazing" - I am easily impressed.

17. "UH-MA-ZING" - I am a simpleton.

18. "Amazeballs" - For some reason I adopt the vocabulary of a five-year-old whenever I go on the internet.

19. "Two more sleeps until . . ." - I expect you to find my use of language kooky and eccentric.

20. "Nom nom nom" - I am about to eat some delicious food. Also, I am a cretin.

21. "Totes" - I live in West London.

22. "OMG so random" - I don't know what random means.

23. "I can't even" - I think I'm in Clueless.

24. "On the interwebs" - I am too wacky to just say 'internet'.

25. "This wins the internet" - Here is a moderately amusing YouTube clip featuring a dog on a surfboard.

26. "Meh" - I am a joyless person who refuses to be impressed by anything.

27. "I just spat my tea out!" - I didn't, but I want you to know I found this amusing.

28. "I just ran 10k in 47 minutes with Fitbit" - It's not enough for me to feel healthy. I need you to feel guilty about being less healthy than me.

29. "Just completed a 4.03 mile run with #runkeeper" - I also scarfed down an entire sharing bag of Doritos while watching Take Me Out but I'm not willing to share that.

30. "Amazing weekend. Feeling so blessed to have so many wonderful friends" - Not like you. Your friends are rubbish and all your weekends are miserable.

31. "Thanks for all the birthday messages!" - Important reminder to anyone who hasn't yet acknowledged my birthday – this is your last chance. And yes, I will notice if you don't.

32. "Can't believe so-called friends would stoop so low" - I am deliberately leaving a vague Facebook status in the hope that people will give me some attention and ask what happened.

33. "Come on you Spurs!!!!" - I realise most of you are not watching this match and will be baffled by this update, but I simply don't care.

34. "Cheeky selfie with my besties" - God I'm wonderful. Admit it, you'd kill to be me.

35. "Losing love is like a window in your heart . . . " - Lyrics from a song that I am currently listening to, and somewhat arrogantly assume will resonate with you as well.

36. "26 miles done. Still just about in one piece!" - Meanwhile you're still in bed, hungover, scrolling glumly through Facebook. I pity you.

37. "Two and a half years ago today we welcomed our little angel into the world" - I think I am the first man in the history of the world ever to father offspring.

38. "Josh just did his first grown-up poo! So proud" - I am so utterly lacking in self-awareness I expect you to find this cute.

39. "Daddy's little soldier sleeping soundly. #awwww" - He's been an absolute little git all day.

40. "After sex #selfie" - I am an appalling human being.

41. "Nightclub #selfie" - Look at me.

42. "Bus stop #selfie" - Look at me.

43. "Brushing my teeth #selfie" - Look at me.

44. "'Taking a selfie #selfie" - Look at me.

45. "Taking the recycling out #selfie" - LOOK AT ME.

Taken from the book Quick Pint After Work, And Other Everyday Lies.