1. #Hashtagging #every #word #in #a #sentence - I don't understand what hashtags are, so I use them on everything to be on the safe side.
2. Writing. Full. Stops. After. Every. Word - I am overly dramatic.
3. "A thing I wrote . . ." - I am a journalist and am pretending to be off-hand about an article that I am secretly extremely pleased with.
4. ￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼"Thrilled to announce" - I have got a new job and I demand praise.
"Smart take" - I am a serious person sharing serious articles.
5. "Another wonderful column by @caitlinmoran" - I am sucking up to a celebrity in the deluded hope of a follow.
6. "LOL" - I am entirely stony faced as I type this on my phone while queuing up at the Post Office.
7. "RIP :-(" - I am tweeting the news of a celebrity death in a shameless bid to win retweets.
8. "YOLO" - I have just done something incredibly pedestrian and unremarkable.
￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼9. "Just sayin'" - I didn't know how to end this tweet. Will this do?
10. "OMG" - I am excitable.
11. "ZOMG" - I am zany.
12. "OMGGGG" - I am irritating.
13. "WTF" - I am confused.
14. "FFS" - I am angry.
15. "FTW" - I am impressed.
16. "Amazing" - I am easily impressed.
17. "UH-MA-ZING" - I am a simpleton.
￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼18. "Amazeballs" - For some reason I adopt the vocabulary of a five-year-old whenever I go on the internet.
19. "Two more sleeps until . . ." - I expect you to find my use of language kooky and eccentric.
20. "Nom nom nom" - I am about to eat some delicious food. Also, I am a cretin.
21. "Totes" - I live in West London.
22. "OMG so random" - I don't know what random means.
23. "I can't even" - I think I'm in Clueless.
24. "On the interwebs" - I am too wacky to just say 'internet'.
￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼25. "This wins the internet" - Here is a moderately amusing YouTube clip featuring a dog on a surfboard.
26. "Meh" - I am a joyless person who refuses to be impressed by anything.
27. "I just spat my tea out!" - I didn't, but I want you to know I found this amusing.
28. "I just ran 10k in 47 minutes with Fitbit" - It's not enough for me to feel healthy. I need you to feel guilty about being less healthy than me.
29. "Just completed a 4.03 mile run with #runkeeper" - I also scarfed down an entire sharing bag of Doritos while watching Take Me Out but I'm not willing to share that.
￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼30. "Amazing weekend. Feeling so blessed to have so many wonderful friends" - Not like you. Your friends are rubbish and all your weekends are miserable.
31. "Thanks for all the birthday messages!" - Important reminder to anyone who hasn't yet acknowledged my birthday – this is your last chance. And yes, I will notice if you don't.
32. "Can't believe so-called friends would stoop so low" - I am deliberately leaving a vague Facebook status in the hope that people will give me some attention and ask what happened.
33. "Come on you Spurs!!!!" - I realise most of you are not watching this match and will be baffled by this update, but I simply don't care.
34. ￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼"Cheeky selfie with my besties" - God I'm wonderful. Admit it, you'd kill to be me.
35. "Losing love is like a window in your heart . . . " - Lyrics from a song that I am currently listening to, and somewhat arrogantly assume will resonate with you as well.
36. "26 miles done. Still just about in one piece!" - Meanwhile you're still in bed, hungover, scrolling glumly through Facebook. I pity you.
37. "Two and a half years ago today we welcomed our little angel into the world" - I think I am the first man in the history of the world ever to father offspring.
38. "Josh just did his first grown-up poo! So proud" - I am so utterly lacking in self-awareness I expect you to find this cute.
￼￼￼￼￼￼￼39. "Daddy's little soldier sleeping soundly. #awwww" - He's been an absolute little git all day.
40. "After sex #selfie" - I am an appalling human being.
41. "Nightclub #selfie" - Look at me.
42. "Bus stop #selfie" - Look at me.
43. "Brushing my teeth #selfie" - Look at me.
44. "'Taking a selfie #selfie" - Look at me.
45. "Taking the recycling out #selfie" - LOOK AT ME.
Taken from the book Quick Pint After Work, And Other Everyday Lies.