What People Say In Their Twitter Bios, Vs. What They Mean

58 Twitter cliches, decoded.

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1. "Hardcore travel enthusiast" — I went on a gap year.

2. "Unapologetic explorer" — I went camping once.

3. "Thrill-seeker" — I bungee-jumped once.

4. "Adrenaline junkie" — I cycle to work.

5. "Mentor" — I give people advice they didn't ask for.

6. "Homebody" — I'm really boring and I never go out.

7. "Foodie" — I will tweet Instagram links every time I go out for dinner.

8. "Journalist" — I will tweet nothing but links to my own articles.

9. "Fashionista" — I will tweet a selfie every time I leave the house.

10 "Yoga nerd" — I went to a Bikram class, and fainted.

11. "Fitness fanatic" — I will tweet every time I go for a run, and it will make you feel really bad about yourself, until one day you angrily unfollow me.

12. "Long-suffering fan of [X football team]" — I will tweet weirdly angry things that make no sense you, every match day, forever.

13. "Telly addict" — I will insist on tweeting about The X Factor, even during the really boring early rounds.

14. "Views my own" — I've seen other people write this, and believe it sounds cool and professional.

15. "Views my own, not those of my employer" — I want you to notice who my employer is, and be impressed.

16. "Views my own (though someone else said it better first!)" — I am making a self-deprecating joke. But seriously, take a look at who I work for.

17. "All views borrowed" — See how I'm turning the convention on its head? I am adorably wacky.

18. "Gin lover" — I am British.

19. "Tea lover" — I am British, and I want everyone to know it.

20. "Tea obsessed" — Really extremely keen for you to know I am British.

21. "Lover of gin and tea" — I am so bloody British you wouldn't believe.

22. "Gin obsessed" — I don't actually drink gin, I just thought this would sound endearing.

23. "Author of…" — Please, please buy my book from Amazon. It's about to be pulped.

24. "Incurable music geek" — I've got a Spotify account.

25. "Proud geek" — I watch The Big Bang Theory.

26. "Ultimate geek" — I know HTML.

27. "#creative" — I don't know how hashtags work.

28. "#ifollowback" — I am desperate for followers.

29. "#influencer" — I will tweet corporate jargon using a pointless #hashtag #in #front #of #every #word.

30. "Thought leader" — I have tens of thousands of followers, almost all of whom I bought.

31. "Member of Parliament" — I don't run this account myself, which is just as well because my @replies will be a constant stream of people calling me a cockwomble.

32. "Follow me at instagram.com/corporatedouche" — I don't understand how Twitter works.

33. "Find me on LinkedIn" — I'm the kind of person who uses words like "synergy" and "solutionize".

34. "Retweets do not equal endorsements" — I take myself a little too seriously.

35. "This is my work account. Follow my personal account here" — I think I'm important enough to need two Twitter accounts.

36. "Not the real Harry Styles" — I run a painfully unfunny parody account that will fizzle out after about the 20th tweet.

37. "Just trying to get the hang of this Twitter thing" — I am a mum who will write one tweet, give up, and go back to Facebook.

38. "Formerly of…" — I can't let go of the past. Also, I think Twitter is a CV.

39. "Creator" — I don't really create anything, I just sit in a lot of meetings.

40. "Loving life" — Nice person. Possibly a bit simple though.

41. "Introvert" — I want you to think I'm soulful and mysterious.

42. "Bookworm" — I want you to think I'm intelligent.

43. "Entrepreneur" — I think I'm Steve Jobs.

44. "Thinker" — I think I'm Alain de Botton.

45. "Troublemaker" — I think I'm Russell Brand.

46. "Problem solver" — I fill in a lot of spreadsheets.

47. "Husband. Dad." — Well whoop dee do.

48. "Scriptwriter" — Unemployed.

49. "Newspaper columnist" — Professional troll.

50. "Web guru" — Bullshitter.

51. "SEO guru" — Snake oil salesman.

52. "Marketing ninja" — Legitimately awful person.

53. "Ad agency ninja" — I think I'm Don Draper.

54. "Social media fanatic" — I have no skills or interests to speak of.

55. "Social media guru" — Outrageous douchebag.

56. "Social media ninja" — Humungous bellend.

57. "Social media rock star" — Staggering wanker.

58. "Social media Editor" — Charlatan.