1. "London prices" -- Rip-off prices.
2. "Sorry" -- I'm not sorry.
3. "Sorry" -- You have just trodden on my foot, and I loathe you with every fibre of my being.
4. "Excuse me" -- You have paused momentarily at the ticket barrier and I am boiling with rage.
5. "My fault entirely" -- Your fault entirely.
6. "I'm fine, thanks" -- I am barely managing to conceal a churning maelstrom of emotions.
7. "How are you?" -- Fine. Just say fine.
8. "See you Saturday!" -- Don't forget to email me twice to make sure that we're actually meeting on Saturday.
9. "Let's have lunch" -- Let's walk to Pret and back as fast as we can.
10. "I'm having a party in Wimbledon, come along" -- Please travel for four and a half hours as I live in the middle of bloody nowhere.
11. "Open for business" -- Oligarchs welcome.
12. "Centre of global finance" -- Money launderers' paradise.
13. "My commute? It's not too bad. About average" -- It involves three modes of transport, takes hours each day, and is slowly crushing my spirit.
14. "Could you move down a bit please?" -- I'm not asking, I'm telling.
15. "Could you move down a bit please?" -- I am seconds away from a devastating mental collapse.
16. "Could you move down a bit please?" -- If you don't, I will start killing indiscriminately.
17. "Due to adverse weather conditions" -- It was a bit windy earlier.
18. "Due to the wet weather conditions" -- A tiny amount of rain has fallen.
19. "Please take care when..." -- Don't you dare blame us if...
20. "We apologise for the inconvenience caused" -- Via the medium of this dehumanised pre-recorded message.
21. "Due to a signalling failure..." -- Due to an excuse we just made up...
22. "Rail replacement bus service" -- Slow, agonising descent into madness.
23. "There is a good service on all London Underground lines" -- Though this very much depends how you define "good".
24. "Planned engineering works" -- That's your weekend plans fucked, then.
25. "Would Inspector Sands please report to the operations room immediately" -- Ohgodohgod everybody panic, we're all about to die.
26. "Annual fare increase" -- We're rinsing you suckers for even more money. Again.
27. "House party in Tooting? See you there!" -- South of the river? No fucking chance.
28. "I live in Zone One" -- I am unimaginably wealthy.
29. "The area is really up and coming" -- Only one tramp shouts at me in the morning.
30. "Vibrant" -- Actual poor people live here.
31. "Gentrification" -- I am so glad they're rid of the poor people.
32. "Gentrified" -- Oh bollocks now I can't afford to live here either.
33. "Efficient use of space" -- Microscopic.
34. "Studio flat" -- Bedsit.
35. "Incredible potential" -- Absolute shithole.
36. "Affordable" -- Uninhabitable.
37. "Deceptively spacious" -- Basically a cupboard.
38. "Good transport links" -- There's a bus stop 10 minutes' walk away.
39. "Authentic" -- Fake.
40. "I just bought a flat" -- My parents just helped me buy a flat.
41. "Swift half" -- Many, many, many, many halves.
42. "Quick pint" -- In the pub until closing time.
43. "We're going on a date" -- We're getting pissed together.
44. "Picnic" -- Daytime piss-up.
45. "Barbecue" -- Piss-up in the garden.
46. "South London" -- Here be monsters.
47. "West London" -- Here be posh people.
48. "East London" -- Here be young people.
49. "North London" -- Here be newspaper columnists.
50. "Oxford Circus" -- Roiling hellscape.
51. "Tech city" -- Bunch of startups you've never heard of.
52. "London has some of the best restaurants in the world" -- So how come I always end up at Nandos?
53. "London is full of cultural delights" -- Which I never visit.
54. "Gourmet coffee" -- Ludicrously overpriced coffee.
55. "Exciting pop-up restaurant" -- You guys like queuing, right?
56. "We have a no bookings policy" -- We hate our customers.
57. "This pub has character" -- This is not a gastropub, and I'm scared.
58. "Traditional boozer" -- Pub that does not serve wasabi peas.
59. "What do you do?" -- How much do you earn?
60. "He works in finance" -- He's a psycho.
61. "He works in media" -- He'a a wanker.
62. "He works in PR" -- He's a bullshitter.
63. "He works in tech" -- He's got a blog.
64. "Working hours" -- Waking hours.
65. "Greatest city on earth" -- Apart from New York.
66. "You know what they say: He who is tired of London..." -- I am so tired of London.
If you enjoyed this, you may also enjoy the book Quick Pint After Work, And Other Everyday Lies by Luke Lewis.