16 Tips For Enjoying The Perfect Bonfire Night
Remember, remember... all these things.
First of all, make sure you buy fireworks with incredibly manly and potent names, like ATOMIC WARLORD.
Try to avoid that thing where all the fireworks go off at the same time.
Seriously, it's never good when that happens.
Never bring fireworks into proximity with your genitals.
Can't stress this one enough.
Same goes for your buttocks.
If you must hand out sparklers, ensure you entrust them only to mature adults.
All things considered, it's probably best not to light your fireworks in the bath.
Embedding them in a pile of cow dung is probably not a tremendous idea either.
Oh, and remember to leave a long wick, so you have plenty of time to clear the area.
Just as a general rule, don't dick about.
But if all else fails, RUN.
If possible, take a small child to witness its first firework display. His/her response will gladden your heart.
If you own a cat, consider giving it a festive makeover. Remember that Tippex is your friend.
On this of all nights, spare a thought for the poor dogs.
But above all, remember to enjoy yourself.
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