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14 Must-Have Tech Gadgets That Will Never Fill The Hole In Your Soul

Adrift in a meaningless sea of high-tech consumer products. #firstworldproblems

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With the holidays coming up, it's time again to start looking at the must-have tech gadgets that should be on your gift list! Every single one of these tech gadgets is guaranteed to put a smile on the faces of your family and friends, until they realize that consumerism has left them completely empty inside.

Apple Watch

Apple / Via

Finally, a device to liberate us from the tyranny of our smartphones and enslave us to itself instead! Now instead of doing all that hard work of pulling your phone out of your pocket, you can read those endless, annoying notifications on a tiny, greasy screen on your wrist! Plus, it tracks your vital signs! And...that's pretty much it! Are you ready to spend $17,000 on it?

Of course you are! After all, that iPhone in your pocket doesn't make you feel any better about your life anymore, and instead of taking the hint, you're going to keep trying to fill that hole in your life with electronics! St. Augustine of Hippo once wrote in his Confessions, "Thou hast made us for Thyself O God, and the heart of man is restless until it finds its rest in Thee" -- but even though the Confessions are considered a seminal work of Western literature, you'll never read them, because, for one thing, there's just not enough room on your Apple Watch to read more than a few words at a time.

PowerUp 3.0 Smartphone-Controlled Paper Airplane

PowerUp / Via

Take your paper airplane game to the next level, because apparently there are people who want to do that? The PowerUp adds a propeller and a rudder to your plane and allows you to control it with your smartphone. Just tilt to steer and move the onscreen throttle to ascend or descend -- it's that simple! Plus, it only takes 30 minutes to charge the battery via USB, which is quick, but still gives you plenty of time to think long and hard about why you're trying to drown out the loud sucking sound of your life's pointlessness by playing with a children's toy!

It's like renowned author and apologist C.S. Lewis wrote in The Weight of Glory: "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea." Of course, instead of "drink and sex and ambition," you're fooling around with a damned paper airplane, so even by hedonistic standards this is pretty lame.


Cinder Sensing Cooker

Palate Home Inc. / Via

Cooking has been changed forever! Cinder is a clamshell-style grill that takes all the guesswork out of cooking crisp, tender chicken breasts, perfectly medium-rare steaks, and salmon that will melt in your mouth. Providing uniform heat that's accurate to the degree and remotely controllable by tablet or smartphone, Cinder lets you cook three-star meals without even leaving your couch. It's the perfect combination of sloth and gluttony, and the perfect way to cook a delicious steak that will still ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled!

When that happens, you can consider the words of Jesus in the Gospel According to St. John: "Do not work for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you." He also had a few choice words for the kind of people who have $249 to drop on a countertop grill, but you can always hope he was joking!

Samsung SleepSense

Andrew Hoyle/CNET / Via

If you've already solved all of your other first-world problems, maybe it's time to do something about the fact that you're not sleeping as well as you'd like to on that thousand-dollar, king-size mattress! The SleepSense slides underneath it and monitors your motion throughout the night; then it reports back in the morning with suggestions for a more restful night. If you have other Samsung appliances, like a thermostat or a fridge, it can even tap into the Internet of Things to adjust the temperature, your habits, and even your diet, to ensure maximum rest! It's like having an army of robots dedicated to keeping you unconscious. So, like The Matrix, we guess.

Unfortunately, the only thing the SleepSense can't tell you is that it's the existential despair that's keeping you awake, not those nachos you ate. Maybe if you had a Samsung eBible (not a thing -- yet! -- Samsung, let's talk?), it could point you to Matthew 11:29, where Jesus says, "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." But that sounds kind of hard, so you'll probably just settle for sleep gadgets instead!

Oculus Rift

Oculus VR / Via

Get ready for fully immersive virtual reality in your own home, because apparently it's 1994 again! Just hook the Rift up to a Windows PC, strap on the head-mounted display, and step into an alternate dimension -- possibly one where you don't feel so dead inside!

Of course, the odds are good that you'll still feel exactly the same, in which case you should probably consider the words of St. Cyprian of Carthage: "Since everything indeed belongs to God, he who possesses God wants for nothing, if he himself is not found wanting before God." But then again, you're blowing hundreds of dollars on yet another video game system you don't need, so you probably will be found wanting before God. Sorry.

Pico Cassette

GameBiz / Via

Remember game cartridges? They're back! For some reason! Games are collectible again, thanks to the Pico Cassette -- a cartridge that plugs directly into the headphone jack on your iPhone and forces you to carry luggage around, just like back when you owned a Game Boy! Plus, each cartridge stores your saved games, making them portable between devices! It's the perfect gift for anyone who's spent the last 15 years accomplishing nothing and is still mired in '90s nostalgia!

You might wonder who could possibly want to complicate their life this way, and we're not sure, but we can tell you who wouldn't: As St. Teresa of Ávila once wrote, "Whoever has God wants for nothing. God alone is enough." But for whoever doesn't have God? Well, maybe some retro game cartridges will keep him entertained for a few days.


Anova Precision Cooker

Tyler Lizenby/CNET / Via

The days of guesswork in your cooking are over! We know we said they were over with the Cinder Sensing Cooker, but this time we mean it! The Anova is the first professional-quality sous vide cooker for the home! Just seal your meat in a ziplock bag, clip it to the side of a pot, and add water and the Anova. Then set it with your smartphone and forget about it! Just wait until you cut into a flawlessly cooked steak and realize that even the most tender of beef filets can't solve your problems!

As the prophet Amos wrote, "'Behold the days are coming,' declares the Lord God, 'when I will send a famine on the land, not a famine for bread or a thirst for water, but rather for hearing the words of the Lord.'" But don't feel bad -- Americans mistake nearly every feeling for hunger! It's just that for you, that feeling happened to be existential angst!

3DR Solo Drone

3DR / Via

The first consumer "Smart Drone," the Solo contains not one, but two onboard computers: one to navigate, and one to operate the included GoPro camera, allowing you to shoot cinema-quality footage with little to no training!

And who doesn't dream of flying? St. Augustine wrote, "My God, how I burned with longing to have wings to carry me back to you, away from all earthly things, although I had no idea what you would do with me!" The Solo will allow you to indulge that same universal flying instinct, without all of the scary stuff about giving yourself freely to the Creator. In fact, it might even give you an inflated sense of power and importance, until it gets struck by lightning or something!

Official Tetris Light

Vat19 / Via

If you're a '90s kid with severely stunted personal growth, this one's for you! Made up of the seven unique tetrominoes from the classic video game, the Tetris Light can be rearranged into endless configurations!

It's the perfect gift for that friend in your life who still thinks the folk song "Korobeiniki" is called "the Tetris song"! Just imagine all the late nights they'll sit up wondering why the novelty light on their nightstand isn't making them happy anymore! If only they'd crack open the prophecy of Isaiah, they'd see the answer: "At night my soul longs for You; indeed, my spirit within me seeks You diligently." They won't though -- they'll just keep reassembling the tetrominoes and wishing they could do the same with the broken pieces of their life!

Amazon Echo

Amazon / Via

Welcome to the future! No keyboard, no monitor -- just your voice and the cloud. Talk to Echo from anywhere in the room and receive instant answers to your questions! Just say, "Amazon, what's the weather today?" or "Amazon, play my most embarrassing showtunes," or "Amazon, why do I still feel so dead inside?"

Echo probably won't know the answer to that last one, but if you asked mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal, he'd tell you, "“[T]his infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself." You won't ask him, though, because nobody reads anymore, and you'll keep trying to fill that hole with tech gadgets, because you're a terrible person!


Skarp Laser Razor

Skarp / Via

Shaving is the worst. The cuts, the burns, the huge amounts of waste -- and it's so expensive. It makes us all miserable, and yet we've somehow all agreed that everyone is obligated to do it. But welcome to the future of hair removal! The Skarp Laser Razor, which we're pretty sure was named by Dr. Seuss, uses fiber optic lasers to cut through your hair, delivering a close, perfect shave without blades or lather! You'll never look better, and you'll stare incessantly into the mirror at your Adonis-like visage, wondering why you still hate yourself!

For a clue, you could ask the Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, who wrote, "It is only by frequent deaths of ourselves and our self-centered desires that we can come to live more fully." So maybe if your primary goal is to make your ugly mug fit into an arbitrary social standard, that's part of your problem? Just spitballing here, really.

Keurig Kold

Keurig / Via

From the makers of that coffee machine that's clogging our landfills with those little plastic capsules comes the Kold, the slowest and most expensive way to enjoy your favorite sodas and iced teas! No ice or carbon dioxide cartridges needed -- just pop in a syrup capsule, press the button, and in 90 seconds you'll be enjoying eight ice-cold ounces of Coca-Cola, Sprite, or Dr. Pepper! And at $370 for the machine and $1.25 per capsule, it's a great way to spend five times as much for half as much soda as you'd get from a can!

It reminds us of the words of the Psalmist: "My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." Profound, and true, but you apparently think your soul thirsts for turning your kitchen into a full-service soda fountain, because you've been brainwashed by Coke ads since the day you were born. Sorry about that.

The New Apple TV

Apple / Via

It's like the old Nintendo Wii, but with an Apple logo on it! Now featuring games, apps, Netflix, and a motion-sensing remote, the Apple TV has been completely redesigned and will change your entertainment experience forever! Now instead of just passively watching television, you'll spend your evenings scrolling through endless menus and wondering why you devote so much time and money to a device that exists entirely to keep you idle and convince you to spend even more money!

You didn't ask us, but it's probably got something to do with what Protestant Reformer John Calvin wrote in his Institutes of the Christian Religion: "The human heart is a factory of idols." He wasn't specifically talking about your TV, but he wasn't not talking about your TV, either.

Amazon Dash Button

Amazon / Via

The Amazon Dash Button brings unbridled consumerism right to your fingertips! Gone are the days of making grocery lists, leaving your house, or even thinking before you buy more stuff! Just mount the Dash Button wherever you keep your diapers, your laundry detergent, or your mac 'n cheese, and when you run low, just give it a push to automatically order more! Line up at the bottomless trough of consumer goods and gorge yourself, friend!

It's reminiscent of what the famous evangelist D.L. Moody once said: "The Lord gives his people perpetual joy when they walk in obedience to him." You don't care about that, though, because Amazon gives you perpetual baby wipes when you press a button!