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America, Stop Calling It Grilled Cheese

Yet again, America, we need to talk.

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Right, look at this. Delicious, lovely, all gooey and shit at the edges.

Ju-lee / Getty Images

Fucking awesome. Hot cheese! It's goddamn amazing and anyone who says otherwise should not be trusted.

They're the same people who wear bootcut jeans and only ever order plain chicken in Nando's.
Ju-lee / Getty Images

They're the same people who wear bootcut jeans and only ever order plain chicken in Nando's.

BUT. It is not a grilled cheese.

Bravo / Via sassygifs.tumblr.com

Listen up, RiRi, this is some truth here.

And should be pretty obvious why. This is a grill. It grills things. You put things under it to grill them.

It's definitely not a "broiler" by the way. That sounds like something dermatologists use to deal with unpleasant lesions."Ooh, there's pus coming out; let me just grab the broiler and broil that off for you."
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It's definitely not a "broiler" by the way. That sounds like something dermatologists use to deal with unpleasant lesions.

"Ooh, there's pus coming out; let me just grab the broiler and broil that off for you."

This is how you make a "grilled cheese", and it's in a shitting frying pan. This is a fried cheese.

Or, in a pinch, a griddled cheese. You can also use a griddle. That gives it those funky lines.
Sumnersgraphicsinc / Getty Images

Or, in a pinch, a griddled cheese. You can also use a griddle. That gives it those funky lines.

Why is this called a grilled cheese, when you are clearly frying it?

"Oh, but you see, you're supposed to make it on a barbecue grill," you say. Well, bullshit, dogshit, and horseshit to that.

It's called a barbecue, just a barbecue, with no grill on the end.
Damian Potenzone / Via Flickr: damianathegirl / Creative Commons

It's called a barbecue, just a barbecue, with no grill on the end.

You see, barbecue is a method of cooking, not this weird sticky-sweet HP sauce knockoff you keep talking about like it's the answer to something.

The word "barbecue" comes from the indigenous peoples of the Caribbean, most likely Haiti, where it translates as "framework of sticks set upon posts." No mention of your brown spunk anywhere.

But back to cheese. This is is a fried cheese, and a lovely fried cheese, but it's not a grilled cheese.

Flickr: maggiejane / Via Creative Commons

If anything, this is a grilled cheese, and this is the British way, and this is better.

You see, because there's a grill, and cheese, and the cheese is being grilled, making it a grillled cheese. This is how words work.
Flickr: julietteculver / Via Creative Commons

You see, because there's a grill, and cheese, and the cheese is being grilled, making it a grillled cheese. This is how words work.

It's better, you see, because there's more cheese to toast. Two slices of toast, both covered in cheese. More cheese = better. Obviously.

Not that we call it a grilled cheese. It's just cheese on toast. And you should see the ones they have in Wales. It's a whole national speciality.
Flickr: smallbrainfield / Via Creative Commons

Not that we call it a grilled cheese. It's just cheese on toast.

And you should see the ones they have in Wales. It's a whole national speciality.

So enjoy eating your "grilled cheese" if you want. ENJOY EATING A LIE.

Flickr: kellybone / Via Creative Commons

You're ruining a truly great thing with this bullshit.