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Which "Gin-Sodden Strumpet" Of Cheltenham Should You Get Drunk With?

It's so hard to decide who to get sodden in gin with!

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Mail Online columnist Richard Littlejohn has written an article describing two women at Cheltenham as "gin-sodden strumpets" and claimed that they have brought shame on the centuries-old struggle for women's equality. Of course.

Because obviously two women (reality star Jessica Hayes and model Katie Salmon) flashing their nipples at the races has destroyed feminism forever, as Littlejohn explains so reasonably:

"The Suffragettes could never have imagined that their noble struggle for equality would eventually lead to young women assuming the freedom to behave in public like gin-sodden strumpets from a Hogarth etching."

"Is this what Emily Davison threw herself under a horse for?" he asks, just like how drunk men are constantly shamed for not living up to expectations of the Great Men Of History:

"Looking at the photos of those two hideous, drunken slatterns at Cheltenham, flashing their nipples and poking their pierced tongues at passing punters, one could be excused for thinking: Is this what Emily Davison threw herself under a horse for?"

So which gin-sodden strumpet should *you* go out on the lash with?

  1. What would you get drunk on?

    Champagne
    Gin and Tonic, naturally
    A perfectly aged merlot, chugged from cut-glass decanter
    A 60-year-old Scotch, which you drink while seething with a latent rage that it is 2016 and young women are being shamed in a national newspaper for not living up to some pudding-faced old sexist's ahistorical interpretation of feminism
  2. Which posh event would you proudly lower the tone of?

    Oxford & Cambridge Boat Race
    Via Richard Heathcote / Getty
    Oxford & Cambridge Boat Race
    Royal Henley Regatta
    Via Dan Kitwood / Getty
    Royal Henley Regatta
    Royal Ascot
    Via Dan Kitwood / Getty
    Royal Ascot
    The Proms
    Via Carl Court / Getty
    The Proms
  3. Which body part would you flash?

    Left Nipple
    Right Nipple
    My entire body, as I slowly and proudly strip naked in front of the world's press in a work of performance art meant to represent the longed-for unburdening of women from the expectations of a profoundly unequal society
    Bum
  4. Which posh couple would have a spot of marital strife due to something naughty you did at a party?

    Benedict Cumberbatch & Sophie Hunter
    Via WPA Pool
    Benedict Cumberbatch & Sophie Hunter
    The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge
    Via Leon Neal / Getty
    The Duke & Duchess of Cambridge
    Eddie Redmayne & Hannah Bagshawe
    Via Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty
    Eddie Redmayne & Hannah Bagshawe
    Steph & Dom
    Via Channel 4
    Steph & Dom
  5. What drunk food would you eat as you head home, trying to ignore the feeling that you're being slowly suffocated by the intersection of the British class system and the patriarchy?

    Fried Chicken
    Fried Chicken
    Pizza
    Pizza
    Chips
    Chips
    Kebab
    Kebab
  6. How would The Daily Mail describe you?

    A gin-sodden strumpet
    A slatternly disgrace
    A common harlot
    A scarlet woman, unfit for society, bringing disgrace to her family, who Richard Littlejohn personally finds unattractive

Which "Gin-Sodden Strumpet" Of Cheltenham Should You Get Drunk With?

You got: I should get drunk with Gin-Sodden Strumpet Number One

Like Gin-Sodden Strumpet Number One, you're a smoker and a drinker who loves to go out with friends, have a great time, and bring shame upon billions women across the world one cheeky nip slip at a time. The only thing you love more than champagne is personally bearing the burden of women's emancipation in every waking moment of every day of every year of your life. Bottoms up!

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You got: I should get drunk with Gin-Sodden Strumpet Number Two

You should go out on the town with Gin-Sodden Strumpet Number Two! You love fashion, laughing with your friends, and being the subject of a intense media scrutiny fixed on women from the cradle to the grave to act according to Victorian expectations of chastity and femininity even as men objectify and sexualise women of every profession, class, and race no matter what the fuck they do or don't do and oh god just make it stop make it all stop.

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