1. Hi = I’m trying to be as normal as possible.
2. Hi! = I’m trying to be as normal, while making this email seem more exciting than it actually is.
3. Hiiii! = I’m a bit annoying.
4. Hey = I’m trying to be a bit more relaxed, and have met you in person once.
5. Hey! = Having met you in person once, this is the first of many emails I will send you today.
6. Hey, mate = Having met you in person once, I need a massive favour.
7. Heeeeeeey!!! = I’m still not allowed to use scissors.
8. Hello = I’m trying to be a bit different.
9. HELLO = I think this email is more exciting than it actually is.
10. To… = I wish people still wrote letters.
11. Dear… = I think people still write letters.
12. Greetings = I’m having a fancy day.
13. Howdy = I watched True Detective last night.
14. Good morning = this is the first email I sent today.
15. Good morning! = this is the first email you’re getting today, but I’ve been up for hours.
16. What’s up? = This is my first day.
17. Yo! = This is my first and last day.
18. Ahoy = I’m a sailor.
19. Ahoy there = I’m a sailor, and would like you to join me on my boat.
20. Afternoon = I wrote an email this morning, and then forgot to send, so I just changed the greeting.
21. Afternoon! = I had the morning off.
22. Good evening = You need to know that I work harder than you.
23. How are you? = I need something from you.
24. How’s it going? = I need something from you, but slightly less urgently.
25. Hope you’re well = I need something from you, but really don’t want to engage.
26. Hope your well. = I need something from you, but can’t spell.
27. How was your weekend? = I need something from you, and it’s Monday.
28. How is your week going? = I need something from you, and it’s Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
29. Any plans for the weekend? = I need something from you, and it’s Friday.
30. Enjoying the weather? = I need something from you, and it’s sunny.
31. Happy [insert day here] = I need something from you, and I’m running out of ideas.
32. Just a quick one = Cancel everything you had planned for today.
33. Just letting you know = This is very serious, but we’re hoping you’ll skim read this.
34. Just filling you in = something important happened, but we decided not to involve you until it was too late.
35. We’re having a slight issue = This will have a considerable impact on your life.
36. We’re having an issue = This will have a major impact on your life.
37. We’re having a significant issue = You’re fucked.
38. It’s come to our attention = You’ve fucked up.
39. We’ve recently learned = We’ve fucked up.
40. It’s unclear at this stage = We’ve no idea who fucked up.
41. Something’s come up = I never wanted the meeting in the first place.
42. Hoping you can help me out = You’re the 11th person I’ve sent this to.
43. Hoping someone can help me out = I’ve BCC’d everyone I’ve ever talked to.
44. Not sure if you’re the right person to talk to = You’re the 26th person I’ve sent this to.
45. Not sure if you got my last email = You ignored my last email.
46. I’m having trouble getting hold of anyone = Everyone is ignoring me.
47. Haven’t been able to get you on the phone = You’re screening my calls.
48. Been having some trouble with my emails = Why won’t anyone talk to me?