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    The 48 Most Annoying Ways To Start An Email, Defined

    We start from the top of your emails.

    1. Hi = I'm trying to be as normal as possible.

    2. Hi! = I'm trying to be as normal, while making this email seem more exciting than it actually is.

    3. Hiiii! = I'm a bit annoying.

    4. Hey = I'm trying to be a bit more relaxed, and have met you in person once.

    5. Hey! = Having met you in person once, this is the first of many emails I will send you today.

    6. Hey, mate = Having met you in person once, I need a massive favour.

    7. Heeeeeeey!!! = I'm still not allowed to use scissors.

    8. Hello = I'm trying to be a bit different.

    9. HELLO = I think this email is more exciting than it actually is.

    10. To... = I wish people still wrote letters.

    11. Dear... = I think people still write letters.

    12. Greetings = I'm having a fancy day.

    13. Howdy = I watched True Detective last night.

    14. Good morning = this is the first email I sent today.

    15. Good morning! = this is the first email you're getting today, but I've been up for hours.

    16. What's up? = This is my first day.

    17. Yo! = This is my first and last day.

    18. Ahoy = I'm a sailor.

    19. Ahoy there = I'm a sailor, and would like you to join me on my boat.

    20. Afternoon = I wrote an email this morning, and then forgot to send, so I just changed the greeting.

    21. Afternoon! = I had the morning off.

    22. Good evening = You need to know that I work harder than you.

    23. How are you? = I need something from you.

    24. How's it going? = I need something from you, but slightly less urgently.

    25. Hope you're well = I need something from you, but really don't want to engage.

    26. Hope your well. = I need something from you, but can't spell.

    27. How was your weekend? = I need something from you, and it's Monday.

    28. How is your week going? = I need something from you, and it's Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.

    29. Any plans for the weekend? = I need something from you, and it's Friday.

    30. Enjoying the weather? = I need something from you, and it's sunny.

    31. Happy [insert day here] = I need something from you, and I'm running out of ideas.

    32. Just a quick one = Cancel everything you had planned for today.

    33. Just letting you know = This is very serious, but we're hoping you'll skim read this.

    34. Just filling you in = something important happened, but we decided not to involve you until it was too late.

    35. We're having a slight issue = This will have a considerable impact on your life.

    36. We're having an issue = This will have a major impact on your life.

    37. We're having a significant issue = You're fucked.

    38. It's come to our attention = You've fucked up.

    39. We've recently learned = We've fucked up.

    40. It's unclear at this stage = We've no idea who fucked up.

    41. Something's come up = I never wanted the meeting in the first place.

    42. Hoping you can help me out = You're the 11th person I've sent this to.

    43. Hoping someone can help me out = I've BCC'd everyone I've ever talked to.

    44. Not sure if you're the right person to talk to = You're the 26th person I've sent this to.

    45. Not sure if you got my last email = You ignored my last email.

    46. I'm having trouble getting hold of anyone = Everyone is ignoring me.

    47. Haven't been able to get you on the phone = You're screening my calls.

    48. Been having some trouble with my emails = Why won't anyone talk to me?