1. I only use it for the ego-boost = I swipe right for everyone, then just pretend everyone loves me.
2. I only use it for a bit of a distraction = I wish I wasn’t single and had an actual person to distract me.
3. I only downloaded it as a joke = I didn’t get liked by everyone, and now I hate it.
4. I just use it as a joke = I need love.
5. I’m in a relationship, so it’s just a bit of fun = I’m waiting for someone hotter than my S.O.
6. I love it = I got laid last night.
7. I like it = I got laid a few weeks ago.
8. I quite like it = I got laid ages ago.
9. It’s OK = I nearly got laid once.
10. I hate it = I got stood up once.
11. I’ve run out of people in my area = I’ve literally ruled out every single person in my city and I’m going to die alone. Please help.
12. I don’t use Tinder, I just talk to real people = On Tinder. I do use Tinder.
13. I use it all the time = I’m playing a numbers game.
14. I hardly ever use it = I use it quite a lot.
15. I never use it = I use it a bit.
16. You should have a go on mine, it’ll be funny! = Maybe this will work.
17. What should I write? = I’ve tried literally everything.
18. I can’t write that! = Might as well give it a go.
19. I found your friend on it the other night = Did they mention me?
20. I swiped left, obviously = I swiped right, but I haven’t had a notification, so…
21. I swiped right, obviously = I swiped left, because I don’t really fancy your friend.
22. I was talking to this person, but they were being weird = They were drunk.
23. I was talking to this person, but they were being really weird = Their friends had taken their phone.
24. This person kept giving me nonsensical chat-up lines = Their co-workers had taken their phone.
25. My age range is about three years either way = My age range is about seven years either way.
26. I’m pretty picky = I’m not that picky.
27. I’m not that picky = I just need someone else’s genitals near me.
28. I wouldn’t do internet dating = I think technology is terrifying.
29. I don’t know what Tinder is = I do, but I didn’t get anywhere when I tried.
30. I’m getting loads of matches at the moment = I haven’t used it in a while and they’ve been building up.
31. Yeah, I’ve got a few matches I haven’t messaged yet = I used it while drunk, and dramatically lowered my standards.
32. Tinder is good because it’s low-key = I don’t like getting dressed to flirt with people.
33. I’m just looking to meet friends on Tinder = I don’t understand what Tinder is for.
34. What is Tinder? = I am old.