OK, look. You all know the full English breakfast. It's very important.
It's majestic, a harmony of fat and grease and cholesterol, sculpted to salve the most troubling of hangovers and warm the coldest of hearts.
And the full English has so many options! You can have your eggs fried, or scrambled, or poached!
Your bread can be fried or toasted! With white pudding or black pudding! Hash browns, fried potatoes, or waffles!
But this monument to British self-destruction by gluttony has one flaw, one shitty pile of little disappointments ruining it for everyone. BAKED FUCKING BEANS.
Your bacon shouldn't be tainted with the dregs of a tin of beans. Your lovely crispy hash browns should never be made soggy, just because of some stupid shitty beans.
Why, why would you ever want tomato juice dribbling all over your eggs? The absolute state of this plate.
If you really, really need something to dip things in, what's wrong with HP sauce? Or ketchup?
Would you accept this in any other situation?: "Nah, fuck the brown sauce, what this bacon sandwich really needs is a piss-weak drizzle of sugary pseudo-tomato-juice."
Yes, yes, there are tactics for getting around this, but you shouldn't need to engage the principles of coastal engineering to eat your sodding breakfast.
Everyone knows they suck at this point. That's why so many places have resorted to keeping them in a whole separate container on the plate.
They're not even that good on their own. Just soft pellets of carbs you have to chew through while looking longingly at the sausage.
Sure, there are other ingredients on the plate that definitely aren't as good as others – we're looking at you, tomato – but at least they serve a purpose.
This is an excellent breakfast.
This is an offence against gods and men alike.
