53 Signs Your Boyfriend Is Really Three Children In A Trenchcoat

    Is he scared of commitment because he is actually three children standing on each other's shoulders and wearing a trenchcoat?

    1. The only time he ever posts selfies are when he's with you.

    2. If you have a bad day, he doesn't seem to have enough emotional maturity for you to really open up to.

    3. He also struggles to communicate his feelings to you.

    4. He only ever wears a trenchcoat.

    5. His understanding of your needs is limited.

    6. And it would be nice if he spent more time with you.

    7. He's exceptionally tall.

    8. Well over six feet, in fact.

    9. Which is strange, because his shoulders are very narrow.

    10. And his feet are incredibly small.

    11. You seem to have very different ideas of what romance means.

    12. He doesn't seem keen to share experiences with you.

    13. He refuses to bend at the waist.

    14. He never makes any of those small, significant, sentimental gestures.

    15. It's awkward when you try to split the bill with him.

    16. His face looks very youthful.

    17. Mainly because he struggles to grow facial hair.

    18. His voice sounds so very deep, like Christian Bale's Batman.

    19. Except occasionally, when it is suddenly very high.

    20. You worry about being able to honestly tell him things about your personal history, concerned that he might judge you.

    21. You can clearly see the outline of three small children under his trenchcoat.

    22. You rarely see him after 9pm, as he always has an excuse to go home early.

    23. You've also never actually seen where he lives, or ever met his family.

    24. He doesn't like talking about his job to you.

    25. When he does, it often seems to be vague, especially when he describes his "business office" and his "boss meetings".

    26. He struggles to calm you down when you get stressed.

    27. He is keen on going to see R-rated movies, as though when he's with you is the only time he can.

    28. It's all he ever seems to suggest, except for going to the park.

    29. He doesn't like TV, as he claims he isn't represented.

    30. Except Bojack Horseman.

    31. He's overprotective of his phone.

    32. Often he doesn't remember important anniversaries, meaning you don't always feel as though he is committed to you.

    33. Sometimes, even though he's clearly not laughing, you can hear muffled laughing.

    34. Like there is someone nearby, hiding and laughing.

    35. A soft, almost inaudible, stifled giggle.

    36. Then he'll murmur "Shut up" under his breath, but it'll only get louder.

    37. He really does only ever seem to be wearing the same, extremely long, trenchcoat.

    38. People point at him in the street.

    39. They often look confused, and they laugh.

    40. While you try to ignore the haters, you can hear them say things like "Is that three small children pretending to be an adult?" and "Look at those children in a trenchcoat."

    41. It's made even harder to ignore because he walks so unsteadily, often wobbling.

    42. Once, he fell over, and you could clearly see three small children stumbling around in the trenchcoat, attempting to get back on to each others shoulders, only for him to fall over again. When he eventually got up, his trenchcoat was backwards.

    43. He never seems completely comfortable around you.

    44. Your friends have told you he is three small children in a trenchcoat.

    45. They once had an intervention to tell you this.

    46. As did your family.

    47. In fact, your mother wept as she begged you to notice.

    48. And your sister just kept yelling at you to tell you how stupid you were.

    49. Your dad kept silent, just staring out the window, absentmindedly toying with a cigar and sobbing.

    50. Your boyfriend denied being three children in a trenchcoat when you asked him.

    51. But he was clearly trying to avoid laughing.

    52. Later, he said explicitly that he was three children in a trenchcoat, but you refused to believe him.

    53. Sometimes, he refuses to accept that your feelings are valid.