1.Someone thought this was acceptable – desirable, even. Because why wouldn't you take part of a thousand-year-old culinary tradition and make it look like something drunk wannabe bankers drink at 2am?
2.Or decide that a sink is the way forward. It still has a fucking tap on it.
3.This chef appears to be that teenager who snapped his skateboard trying to learn to ollie at the park. He gave up on that dream but found a use for the board.
4.Nothing says fine dining like an old pipe. Many nascent restaurants have been felled by an early review bemoaning the lack of "a nice, sewage-y aftertaste" in the food.
5.A spade is another great signifier of top-quality food. Whenever I try to come up with delicious food options, my first thought is always, Mmm, dirt.
6.Alternatively, a bit of concrete. Nothing better.
7.Time is a flat circle. And so is drinkware.
8.No one with this rudimentary an understanding of physics should be allowed near knives. Or food of any sort, really. Or crayons, or even a fucking cushion.
9.How do you people even open the door to the kitchen in the morning without knocking yourself unconscious?
10.Restaurants should be banned because they are so out of ideas they are serving food on whatever they found in the garden that morning.
11.These weirdos are using a log.
12.And they think their customers are dogs. Literally.
13.They use clipboards. Look at all those juices soaking into what is, at best, slightly thick cardboard.
14.There was a conversation about this dish, and they compromised, settling on a fake shoe. That chef definitely wanted it to be a real shoe. "No, Greg, you can't put the potato in a real shoe. Why not? Because you're not fucking 9 any more, Greg."
15.Stop trying to serve food in shoes.
16.OK, sure, sausage and mash in a wineglass is bad. But is it also being served with bread? That's a lot of carbs.
17.No good food has ever been served in a container with that little CE marking on the side.
18.Toast? How did you fuck up toast?
19.Or beans on toast. The beans go ON the toast. The clue is in the name.
20.WHY WHY WHY
21.Seafood on the top of coral? How delightfully well-themed! The next course is some fish served on the back of a live shark, followed by a some black pudding that you have to bob for in a still-warm bath of cow's blood.
24.All this burger needs is a plate, and I don't know why it doesn't have one.
25.I don't know how you would go about eating this.
26.I don't know how this ever happened.
27.I don't even know which bit of this is the food.