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32 Times Scottish Twitter Was The Funniest Place On The Internet

Scottish Twitter is the cultural commentator we all truly need.

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1. On food:

still affronted at being £6.24 for a pishy baguette n irn bru this morning. Baguette Express? Baguette tae fuck.

2.

Is this a fuckin joke a want a refund a was promised hilarity alongside ma mediocre chocolate experience

3. On make-up:

When u Slap on ur 30 quid foundation spray ur 90 quid perfume then ur plans get cancelled :))))) stab.

4. On nights out:

5.

Dae u ever git that smell that u can only describe as 'ootside' like someone comes in the house from outside n ur like 'u smell of ootside'

6.

A boy at avicii telt me his dad died cos of MDMA and when the beat dropped he was proper crying his eyes out shoutin "ma dad died for this"

7. On shopping:

Mate the amount of lettuce Tesco put on their sandwiches a asked for a BLT no the botanical gardens

8.

Just heard on the radio that Muslim staff in M&S are refusing to sell alcohol, what's next Christian staff in B&Q no selling nails and wood

9.

Do Ann Summers actually ask if yi want a bag? No thanks Sue hen I'll carry the 15" black mamba with ma milk n bread.

10.

ma wee brother had £100 n legit bought a caravan fi gumtree today n has decided to move into it, who sells a 14 year old A FUCKING CARAVAN

11. On truth in advertising:

sudocrem acc fixes everythin wee bita acne??? sudocrem! broke yer leg? put some sudocrem on it!!! yer boyfs cheatin on ye? sudocrem the cunt

12. On hanging out with people:

Out to dinner with "this one" cinema with "this one" can ye no just say their name ya fuckin imbecile

13.

Coulda killed yer gran, knocked oot floyd mayweather n pumped michelle keegan n when asked "u been upty mate?" Its always "no much mate, u?"

14. On TV:

Ken that way when you're no sure if you should take a jacket or no

15.

Imagine how ragen bear grylls would be gon camping wae you. He's built 2 hammocks n skinned a deer n you've downed 2 cans n chased a badger

16.

Was so meltit last night a put on Babesation and the choons were so banging. Came for the tits, stayed for the techno.

17. On holidays:

Why dae cunts need countdowns for holidays? As if yer gonna be in work lit aw fuck Susan a totally forgot am suppose tae be in Zante the day

18. On buying things:

aye don't put the change in ma hawn sit the coins flat on the counter so av tae claw n fondle them back awkwardly in front ae ye for 6 days

19.

Does ma nut in when customers start smackin their card aff the card machine like cavemen n av got tae explain tae them it's no contactless

20.

see when I put the money in the till and a customers like 'wait I have the 25p' Can u not? cause now I have no clue what I'm doing love

21. On relationships:

We live a world were yer a "psycho" if ye think u should be respected enough by your partner for them not to like other burds selfies 🌚

22. On 21st-century struggles:

Y is my Instagram full of crushed avocado and poached eggs on toast for breakfast, just have some coco pops and piss off

23.

Just got an email asking if I'm still attending my appointment on 23rd may 2014 hahahah aye sorry im late hen traffics a nightmare

24.

Taxi driver just said to me sorry mate I can't take u I have a booking I said u better watch yourself mate ur no wanting a red

25. On the difference between the UK and the USA.

If you're from the UK don't fucking say "fall" instead of autumn or you might accidentally "fall" into an early grave you pretentious shite

26.

Kylie Jenner gets a £320k Ferrari for her 18th and a got a hibs calendar with 3 months missing cause my dad had nae skins for his hash #life

27. On the Royal Baby:

A 'souvenir royal pullout' would have saved us from they two wee drains on the system.

28. On parents:

See when yer parents drop the "this isn't a hotel" line. Fuck up or you're going in a shite nursing home

29.

Me ma had a go at is for "using too much toilet roll" wey al just leave my arsed caked in shite to save you an extra £1.50 ya fucking weapon

30. On nostalgia:

spent ma childhood tryin to make these cunts have wains n now they come with one,wains have it aw handed to them now

31.

Took me 18 years to realise the alphabet is twinkle twinkle little stars.

32.

A used tae love Harry potter until JK Rowling donated £1m to the no campaign now a think he's a specky Tory cunt

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