1. On food: Holly @deidhaul5 still affronted at being £6.24 for a pishy baguette n irn bru this morning. Baguette Express? Baguette tae fuck. 12:01 PM - 03 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. Butt Sea @Butsay_ Is this a fuckin joke a want a refund a was promised hilarity alongside ma mediocre chocolate experience 06:41 PM - 22 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. On make-up: zola @zeeeewilly When u Slap on ur 30 quid foundation spray ur 90 quid perfume then ur plans get cancelled :))))) stab. 11:14 AM - 04 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. On nights out: jake @JakeJohnstone_ amazing hahahaha 10:45 AM - 31 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Wan Kerr @Andykerr_ Dae u ever git that smell that u can only describe as 'ootside' like someone comes in the house from outside n ur like 'u smell of ootside' 08:15 PM - 07 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. nathan henderson @nathann_h A boy at avicii telt me his dad died cos of MDMA and when the beat dropped he was proper crying his eyes out shoutin "ma dad died for this" 04:42 PM - 13 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. On shopping: Ricky Kerr @RickyyKerr Mate the amount of lettuce Tesco put on their sandwiches a asked for a BLT no the botanical gardens 03:08 PM - 17 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. BradPeacock @bradpeacock97 Just heard on the radio that Muslim staff in M&S are refusing to sell alcohol, what's next Christian staff in B&Q no selling nails and wood 10:47 AM - 18 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. John Chalmers @JohnBoyPure Do Ann Summers actually ask if yi want a bag? No thanks Sue hen I'll carry the 15" black mamba with ma milk n bread. 02:18 PM - 20 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. Michael Hart @mikehert_ ma wee brother had £100 n legit bought a caravan fi gumtree today n has decided to move into it, who sells a 14 year old A FUCKING CARAVAN 05:22 PM - 26 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. On truth in advertising: morgyn @mrgynmcdwll sudocrem acc fixes everythin wee bita acne??? sudocrem! broke yer leg? put some sudocrem on it!!! yer boyfs cheatin on ye? sudocrem the cunt 08:42 PM - 30 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. On hanging out with people: Kieran @Goudie15 Out to dinner with "this one" cinema with "this one" can ye no just say their name ya fuckin imbecile 11:08 AM - 13 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Wan Kerr @Andykerr_ Coulda killed yer gran, knocked oot floyd mayweather n pumped michelle keegan n when asked "u been upty mate?" Its always "no much mate, u?" 07:59 PM - 15 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. On TV: Jade @jadeas93 Ken that way when you're no sure if you should take a jacket or no 07:21 PM - 06 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Gaul Plancy @paul_glancy Imagine how ragen bear grylls would be gon camping wae you. He's built 2 hammocks n skinned a deer n you've downed 2 cans n chased a badger 12:19 PM - 29 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. Joe. @pillzNthrillz Was so meltit last night a put on Babesation and the choons were so banging. Came for the tits, stayed for the techno. 09:24 PM - 17 May 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. On holidays: Kieran @Goudie15 Why dae cunts need countdowns for holidays? As if yer gonna be in work lit aw fuck Susan a totally forgot am suppose tae be in Zante the day 07:37 PM - 28 Jul 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. On buying things: Butt Sea @Butsay_ aye don't put the change in ma hawn sit the coins flat on the counter so av tae claw n fondle them back awkwardly in front ae ye for 6 days 05:37 PM - 15 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Connor Magill @ronnoclligam Does ma nut in when customers start smackin their card aff the card machine like cavemen n av got tae explain tae them it's no contactless 10:14 AM - 15 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. han. @McKenzieHannah see when I put the money in the till and a customers like 'wait I have the 25p' Can u not? cause now I have no clue what I'm doing love 07:11 PM - 24 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. On relationships: 2CHINZz @2chiinzzz We live a world were yer a "psycho" if ye think u should be respected enough by your partner for them not to like other burds selfies 🌚 11:32 PM - 23 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. On 21st-century struggles: rhigan @rhigbennett Y is my Instagram full of crushed avocado and poached eggs on toast for breakfast, just have some coco pops and piss off 09:11 PM - 27 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. zola @zeeeewilly Just got an email asking if I'm still attending my appointment on 23rd may 2014 hahahah aye sorry im late hen traffics a nightmare 03:38 PM - 20 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. Stephen Baigan @stephen_baigan Taxi driver just said to me sorry mate I can't take u I have a booking I said u better watch yourself mate ur no wanting a red 10:27 PM - 08 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. On the difference between the UK and the USA. Kendal. @MlNTCAKE If you're from the UK don't fucking say "fall" instead of autumn or you might accidentally "fall" into an early grave you pretentious shite 08:30 PM - 30 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. Connor Moore @connormoore4 Kylie Jenner gets a £320k Ferrari for her 18th and a got a hibs calendar with 3 months missing cause my dad had nae skins for his hash #life 04:08 PM - 11 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. On the Royal Baby: The Blurst Of Times @BatmanAnderson A 'souvenir royal pullout' would have saved us from they two wee drains on the system. 03:35 PM - 07 Jun 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. On parents: Sjhone Thompson @sjhonethompson See when yer parents drop the "this isn't a hotel" line. Fuck up or you're going in a shite nursing home 12:07 PM - 03 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. Davie @davie_kane96 Me ma had a go at is for "using too much toilet roll" wey al just leave my arsed caked in shite to save you an extra £1.50 ya fucking weapon 04:41 PM - 03 Jun 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. On nostalgia: . @cantstandmen0w spent ma childhood tryin to make these cunts have wains n now they come with one,wains have it aw handed to them now 06:34 PM - 07 Sep 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Adam @Ad_Ryan96 Took me 18 years to realise the alphabet is twinkle twinkle little stars. 09:23 PM - 16 Aug 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Connor Magill @ronnoclligam A used tae love Harry potter until JK Rowling donated £1m to the no campaign now a think he's a specky Tory cunt 04:48 PM - 22 Apr 2015 Reply Retweet Favorite Like what you're reading? Like BuzzFeed UK for more!