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America, Britain Needs To Talk To You About Biscuits And Gravy

You are screwing up this language in a disgusting way.

OK, America, it's like this. You keep saying biscuit. What you are talking about is something like this.

They're probably quite nice. They're probably lovely. But they're not FUCKING BISCUITS!

These are some sort of cake, or scone, or barm or something.

THESE are biscuits. Small, hard baked goods. They're excellent with tea, which you'd know if you hadn't thrown it all away a few centuries ago.

Flickr: adeelanwer

If your gran can't give you a biscuit, what the hell is she going to give you?

And there are so many types, all with their own characteristics and history.

Flickr: smallbrainfield

Bourbons and ginger nuts and hobnobs, oh my!

America, on the other hand, would call this a "cookie," which, I think you will find, is actually an English cricket player.

Zakharova_natalia / Getty Images
Nic Redhead / en.wikipedia.org

See, one is a small, flat, baked treat, the other is Alistair Cook, who once scored 294 in a test match against India.

And America, in 239 years of existence, has somehow only managed to develop a single, crappy "cookie."

Danny Smythe / Getty Images

Probably because of chemtrails.

Biscuits are perfect for dunking in tea. Cookies are over-sized and annoying, much like your country.

Miles Davies / Getty Images
BuzzFeedVideo / Via Facebook: video.php

And it gets worse, because you have biscuits and gravy. That is a thing that sounds completely insane to every British person. See, this is what you think gravy is.

Stephanie Frey / Getty Images

Whatever the hell that white crap is, it is not gravy.

This is what we think gravy is, because this is what gravy has always been.

Jamie Oliver for BuzzFeed / Via buzzfeed.com

It's delicious, brown, and really ties the roast together.

So biscuits and gravy would be meat sauce, a thick brown sauce derived from stock and onions and meat, drizzled liberally over some jammie dodgers and pink wafers.

This is what goes through a British person's head when you say biscuits and gravy. This. This abomination.

Let that sink in.

BBC / Via tardischasingcompanion.tumblr.com

Or rather, don't, because that sinking into those biscuits would be fucking disgusting, and we could really do without thinking about it any more.

This language has been screwed up so badly, we need a reverse Tea Party, except we'll throw Bisto and a bunch of OXO cubes into the harbour.

This isn't biscuits and gravy. This is jizz on scones.

Bhofack2 / Getty Images

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