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Aug 3, 2015

23 Reasons Americans Are Completely Wrong About Bacon

As much as the US might talk about loving bacon... there's something missing.

1. Look, it's simple really. This bacon is not correct. It is a disappointing facsimile.

2. This bacon is probably quite nice. But still wrong.

3. American bacon is basically a condiment, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But the bacon being used is, because there is a much, much better version.

4. See, look at this. Look how much meat there is here. It's not a damn condiment, it's a damn MEAT.

5. The difference is in the cut typically used – American bacon is required to come from the belly, whereas British bacon, or 'back bacon' also includes part of the succculent loin, which mean it comes with a large "eye" of meat on each piece.

Neilkendall / Getty Images

6. Of course there's the Canadian version of bacon as well. But let's leave that one out for the moment.

Flickr: stuart_spivack

Still better than American bacon, though.

7. Overall, British bacon is simply much, much thicker, and meatier.

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8. Skinny AF.

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9. Thiiiiiick AF.

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10. Just look how much American bacon shrinks when you cook it. There's barely anything left.

11. This is why Americans are getting bacon wrong – because bacon should be used like this, on its own, in a sandwich.

Joe Gough / Getty Images

12. And British bacon, thick bacon, bacon heavy on meat, works in a roll without anything else. Bacon shouldn't just be an addition to something else.

13. It also means it can be included in masterpieces like the full English breakfast. The skinny, weird bacon Americans use could never provide the base for this entire thing.

14. Frankly, British bacon is a better option in almost every instance.

15. Just look at how insubstantial this bacon is. But America has gone even further in proving they simply don't understand what bacon is for.

Draganadutina / Getty Images

16. Take bacon bits – they sort of maybe make sense, but precooked bacon in a packet is not a thing that should exist.

17. Then it gets worse. Why would you want the smell of grease and fat seeping into everything you own? If nothing else, it'd just make you permanently want to eat bacon.

18. Some American probably came up with bacon toothpaste, and murdered God in the process.

19. "Baconnaise!" they chortled, shifting uncomfortably to try to contain the noxious fart building in their intestines.

20. America, in its infinite, wrong-side-of-the-road-driving, state-funded-health-care-hating, loud-talking wisdom, made bacon into a fucking drink. A FUCKING BACON DRINK.

21. I'm sorry to break this to you, America, but you need to demand more from your bacon. MORE!

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22. It's nice... it's fine... but it could be so, so much better.

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bacon

23. Dream big, and dream of British bacon.

Joegough / Getty Images

Because British bacon, beautifully fried, is what truth is made of.

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