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39 Reasons I Quit My Job As A Flame-Throwing Guitar-Playing Desert Murder Dude

It's really hard to find an E string in the post-apocalypse.

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1. It's really hard to find an E string in the post-apocalypse.

2. Ditto a guitar tuner.

3. It's just saddening to be halfway through inciting acts of mass violence through the mediums of flame and scintillating guitar riffs but knowing, in your heart of hearts, that the harmonics just aren't where they need to be.

4. What's worse, no one else seems to notice.

5. It makes me think I'm only there for effect, and the effort I'm putting in isn't being noticed.

6. I brought it up with my line manager, but he just screamed "CHROME!!!" and punched himself in the face.

7. It doesn't take enough advantage of my degree in music from the University of Sydney.

8. I got a first.

9. But once, when I tried to play Debussy's "Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun" (rescored for double-necked flame-throwing electric guitar), I was just told it was mediocre and had paint sprayed in my mouth.

10. I seem to have a minor allergy to the paint as well.

11. I get a bit of a rash.

12. And while I love the guitar, I just wish I could mix up the instruments a bit.

13. I think, with the right tune, a bassoon could be a really fitting and atmospheric accompaniment to chasing people across the desert and extinguishing their lives in a ball of fiery smoky hell.

14. If I'm honest, the bassoon is my true love.

15. It'd be easy to add fire as well – it's the exact right shape.

16. But again, when I suggested it, I was just ignored.

17. And there are no grievance procedures in place for taking the issue to superiors.

18. It's also hard to concentrate on my arpeggios when standing on a vast murder truck at high speed.

19. The sand gets under my fingers, and I end up cutting them pretty badly.

20. It also gets in the output jack of my guitar.

21. The sand scrubs the coating of the input jack off as a result, and there's a palpable difference in sound quality.

22. Again, it's hard to come by 6.5mm jack to replace it, so often I spend weeks with a slight hiss in the background,

23. Standing for that long in one place plays havoc with my back, too.

24. It really flares up sometimes.

25. I worry that I may develop sciatica later in life.

26. What's worse, the Doof Wagon health plan doesn't cover chiropractic treatment.

27. Tinnitus is becoming a real problem as well.

28. Sometimes, after a long and violent desert murder session, I spend 20-30 minutes with a really unpleasant ringing noise in my ears.

29. A wall of amplifiers blasting music across the vast openness of the outback isn't a great thing to have near your ears.

30. They're sensitive. You should take care of your ears properly.

31. But the amplifiers are actually another issue.

32. Without going into too much detail, Arts Funding at the Citadel is being cut quite aggressively.

33. It's to do with the need for increased warboy infrastructure, since they keep dying horribly by driving their cars into each other while high on paint.

34. Funds are being rerouted away from important programmes and going to those with immediate popular impact instead of genuinely developing a long-term economic plan to sustain rampant desert murder.

35. And if we're not doing bloody desert murders to make sure arts survive, what are we doing bloody desert murders for?

36. I know the financial details are dry, but I'm just disappointed.

37. Anyway, it means not all of those amplifiers work, and replacing them is hard.

38. Often my requisition slips just don't get looked at.

39. In all, I just think I need to move on and find a place where my musicianship is appreciated, and not just for how well it accompanies death and explosions in the desert. I'll miss all my collegues terribly, but sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

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