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Cereal Isn't Cool In 2016

Cereal is bullshit and it's not worth it.

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It does take way too long to make and eat and clean up after a bowl of cereal. You could just have a cereal bar, which can be eaten on the bus to work, so you don't waste time that could be used creating value for your company.

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While responding to emails on your phone to ensure you're entirely prepared for the day, because let's be honest, you just slept for six hours so you're probably really behind.

Some young people will just have coffee! They need some chemical stimulant to stay awake in front of their screen for more than an hour.

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Cereal is just not very practical to eat at a desk – there's things that can spill, and you have to traverse an office to clear up afterwards. Something you can eat without leaving your desk or taking your eyes off the screen is optimal.

Even when eating at home you need way too many things in order to have cereal. You need a bowl, a spoon, the cereal itself, and milk. Then, and only then, can you actually have your bowlful.

But milk is a nightmare. Who has enough milk, ever? You're probably using a pint of milk every two or three days. But not always. Sometimes it'll be more, sometimes less.

So you have to buy milk on random, unpredictable evenings when you remember that you ran out nine hours earlier. Sometimes it's a Monday, and it's fine because you were shopping anyway. On the other hand, sometimes it's half 11 on a Thursday and you just left the pub and fuck remembering milk then.

You could, theoretically, just store more milk in your house, so you always have some.

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Except you live in a city that's too crowded, in an apartment that takes up a tiny part of a house where a family of five used to live but is now subdivided into 38 different apartments. So your fridge has to be tiny, most of which is taken up by an ice-box that doesn't work properly, so the question is where, where would you like all this glorious milk to be stored?

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That fridge is shared as well, because the housing market is fucked and you live with four other people and one of their cousins who was only supposed to be sleeping on the sofa "temporarily", each of whom also needs milk.

So either you all have your own milk, and literally no other foodstuffs in your tiny fridge, or you all share milk, in which case it will run out once a day, in time for the very last person to leave to not get any milk. So fuck cereal, because milk is hell to deal with.

It's also hell to deal with because it spills. You need a bowl for this breakfast-soup bullshit, so you have to sit down. This is a whole new batch of time you need to spend having breakfast, and not doing anything else.

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You can't take extra time to eat in the morning when you're a millennial, because any method you try to get to work is annoying and full of people who probably also did not have cereal.

Of course, you really cannot be late. And that's because the only technology involved in your job that your baby-boomer bosses actually understand is a clock, so that's all they use to determine whether you can actually do your job.

You could sleep earlier to make waking up easier, except that it turns out young people have also ended up working more hours, so it's even harder to get sleep. Also, having fun is good and it often makes it harder to get up the next day.

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You can eat cereal at the end of the day, of course. Because it's easy and, weirdly, produces much less washing up than cooking an actual meal would. It's all relative, basically.

But there's also no excitement with a bowl of cereal. No one wants to see it on Snapchat or Instagram.

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Which is annoying because those social interactions have meaning when all the ~real~ life achievements you were once set up to hope for have disappeared into the void of an economy that fails young people. And also because aesthetic standards for interesting food are just so much higher now.

Which all means that millennials just aren't interested in taking a minute to plan their day and read a newspaper as they savour their cereal. They have shit to do and they got their news before they even got out of bed. Cereal is a hassle. Fuck cereal.

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