1. OK, let's start with the obvious. We have Greggs. Greggs is superb, because not only is it everywhere, it sells hot meat in pastry at ludicrously low prices. And hot meat in pastry is basically the most important foodstuff to ever exist.
Take steak bakes, for instance. Firstly, just look at how nice they clearly are. Not only that, they're always hotter than the sun so you can carry them around for hours, and they're still incredibly cheap.
2. You can't tell me that the weird lumpy things you claim are pancakes are better than a proper bacon sandwich.
Because so many places in Britain do bacon rolls, and they are almost always perfect in every single situation.
3. Even if you get it from the side of the road, the place will probably have a superb name. You just don't get puns like this outside Britain.
4. But back to the food itself. Pasties. Another perfect food. It's an entire meal, wrapped up in pastry and baked. What more could you want?
Further to that, while the basic (and probably best) version is the classic steak, there are plenty of other options. You can have it with lamb and mint, or pork, or chicken, or just vegetarian, or add some stilton or ale. You can even have a sweet version. Basically, anything you can imagine can be made into a pasty. It's an ongoing mystery why they only seem to be available at train stations, unless you're actually in Devon or Cornwall.
OK, but those sort of shops close at about 7. To really beat American fast food, Britain needs to beat things like Taco Bell. So, a 2am Taco Bell? Can Britain beat that?
5. Well, yes. Because while I've never even eaten Taco Bell, my understanding of it from Americans on the internet is that it's fake Mexican food that makes you shit everywhere.
6. And what we can buy at 2am is all either loads of meat or loads of bread, and it's basically all fried as well. Let's start with kebabs.
There is no better drunk food, and you can stuff jalapenos in it. And any other vegetables you want. And it doesn't make British people sick because of the noxious blend of alcohol that's already been drunk. Easy.
7. Then there are battered sausages, which are just better than corn dogs. OK, sure, you get credit for the stick, that's a great idea. But otherwise...
8. The fish is great too.
9. But most important are the actual chips themselves. Because most chip shops do really, really great chips.
While we're here, let's clear up the fries vs chips thing. Chips are potatoes that are chipped and then fried – they're generally quite chunky. Fries are the narrower version that are mass produced and shipped out frozen.
10. Though that doesn't excuse the mess that you put on chips that you claim is cheese.
Look, on the left is cheese on chips. It's grated, nice, flavourful cheese that melts over them perfectly.
On the right is...something. I don't know what it is, but it's not cheese. It's possibly some sort of pus? It's not cheese, and those are not cheesy chips, and that is why British chips – or hell, fries – are always going to be better.
11. More importantly, you can deep-fry anything. A Mars bar! A Big Mac! OK, so that's originally American, but it's much better now it's been deep-fried, obviously.
That said, just because you can, doesn't mean you necessarily should.
12. There's so much other stuff that can be put on chips in Britain as well. Curry sauce!
Chippy sauce! And if you don't know what that is, you don't deserve it.
13. America, you probably have quite a lot of fried chicken options as well. But we have them everywhere. Thousands of fried chicken shops, handing out six wings and chips for £2.50. They're so important to us we made a whole TV show out of one.
They're so important to British life.
14. The names are incredible as well. So incredible you can make an entire alphabet out of shops just switching out the "K" in KFC.
Yes, that is "Ferfect" fried chicken. And Tennesseeland. Because, see, it's close to Kentucky, but it's not the same place?