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    19 Reasons You Are Definitely Not A Baby Person

    Children are evil and terrible and there's no good reason for them to exist.

    1. The ongoing threat of fluid assault from basically anywhere on their body legitimately scares you.

    They're like slow-release water balloons, but with vomit, and urine, and poo, and other stuff that you really don't want to identify.

    2. Everyone else seems to find them cute, rather than seeing them for the malevolent evil that they really are.

    3. They stare right at you like they're judging you for your scary-weird internal monologue.

    4. Their tiny fingers really freak you out.

    How are they moving? Are there bones in them? Are they really small bones? That's so weird.

    5. They're so common on social networks that you start to wonder if everyone you know has actually just regressed.

    6. They show no signs of reason, and make basic logical fallacies.

    7. Baby pictures are almost the worst thing in the world, and yet they are an accepted thing.

    8. Baby videos are actually the worst thing in the world.

    9. You refer to babies as an "it", and apparently some people think that's wrong because they're actually people.

    10. Everyone seems to know how to hold them like it's a totally normal thing.

    11. People try to dress them up and it does not improve them.

    12. There is a very real possibility that your mere presence will make the thing cry.

    13. They get under your feet, and you expect that if you move slightly briskly you'll end up punting one the length of the room.

    14. The presence of a small child means that otherwise functional adults start to make sounds that in no way resemble words.

    15. It's very worrying how anything with such limited survival skills exists in the world.

    16. Seriously, they must be the most breakable things in the world.

    17. People seem to think it makes you a soulless robot, but fail to understand that actually it is children who don't have souls.

    18. There is no good reason why these human puppies should evoke such strong feelings, and yet everyone seems compelled to talk about it.

    19. Basically, it's not really a person, but also sort of a person? Does it have thoughts? Does this weird fleshy globule think about me? What is it really?