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Hey America, All Your Pancakes Are Wrong

British pancakes are real pancakes, and much better.

Sure, America, your pancakes are OK, adequate even. But they're still wrong.

And the true pancakes, like the ones made in England, are superior.

The main problem is, you don't even cook them in a pan.

Onepony / Getty Images

And they are called pancakes, so what the actual fuck, America?

These are clearly being cooked on a griddle. There's not a pan in sight.

Verena Matthew / Getty Images

What about your so-called International House of Pancakes?

Twitter: @GiveCarolinas

More like International House of LIES.

This, you see, is correct because it's being cooked in a pan. A pancake. Simple.

Zoonar / Getty Images

You shouldn't be able to make a pancake in a factory.

Science Channel / Via

This is what pancakes should look like. Soft, thin little things.

Tycoon751 / Getty Images

Lovely, with a variety of flavours, not just being drowned in maple syrup.

And there's history behind this shit, too. True pancakes, cooked in a pan, have been around for hundreds of years.

Pieter Aertsen, The Pancake Bakery / Via

This painting, for example, is from 1560. That's 216 years before your country even happened, not that we're counting.

The Western European pancake tradition comes from the need to use up perishable ingredients before the Christian fasting period of Lent, things like egg, milk, and flour.

Flickr: comedynose / Via

The simplicity of these ingredients is what makes the pancake-making process so great, and what makes Pancake Day probably the best thing Christianity ever did.

The key difference with American-style "pancakes" is that they use a raising agent, like baking powder, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AGAINST THE POINT OF THE PANCAKE.

Sure, yes, you can also add chocolate chips, which is a good idea, but let's focus, yeah?

Which means that the most important part of Pancake Day, overmanaged photo ops involving pancake flipping, is really fucking easy. This is an American version.

Win Mcnamee / Getty Images

It's so easy. Just flip this easily flippable thing, and look happy.

This is the British version. Look how miserable that child at the front is. Raising children to expect that the world is hard and tough and everything is disappointing is clearly the only way.

Matt Cardy / Getty Images

Big British pancakes are impossble to flip, and this is why Britain is better.

Also, this is the photo that the most kids looked happy in, and they've still only got half of them smiling. Misery FTW.

And you know why this is so tragic? Your dumb pancakes are fucking winning. This is a Wetherspoon's menu, and it includes pancakes.

You know, Wetherspoon's, dark, crumpled, and slightly soiled soul of the British people. Wetherspoon's.

It should be serving real pancakes.

They're American pancakes, and that's not even made mention of!

Sure, Wetherspoon's has sort of unimaginably ruined them anyway, and may actually be conducting a covert operation to stem the tide of American-style pancakes arriving in Britain by making every British person think they're terrible, but they are still the wrong pancakes.

So look, these are pancakes, the best sort of pancakes.

Elena_danileiko / Getty Images

British pancakes are the same thing as crepes. Crepe is the French word, pancake the English. American pancakes are like neither and should not be called pancakes.

These are some sort of griddle muffin.

Delicious, wafer-thin, soft pancakes.

The bits of skin that fall off your feet when you've been running around for a few hours.

Could not be more right.

Could not be more wrong.

Danny Smythe / Getty Images

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