36 Things You’ll Only Understand If You’re From South-East Essex

Anywhere near Basildon, Southend, or Thurrock? You’ll know what I’m talking about.

1. With all the hassle that comes with being from Essex, saying you’re from London is just so much easier.

Fox Searchlight Pictures / Via gph.is

2. Girls want to work as a Beautician, a PA or a Model*.

*One becomes a ‘Model’ by employing someone to take photos of them pouting whilst laying down, wearing a baggy top and shimmery eyeshadow.

3. Boys want to work as an Estate Agent, a Banker or fulltime LAD.

Universal Pictures / Via gph.is

4. Essex may well have the world’s biggest secret reserve of diamantes.

5. We’re also not great at dealing with secrets.

6. Except for Southend Airport, because it’s so good.

7. There is no ice-cream better than a Rossi’s. Even in Italy.

8. Someone you know has this tattoo.

Or a WHU Badge, a bulldog, or a dolphin.

9. The Fast and the Furious is nothing compared to Southend Sea Front on a Saturday Night.

And if you ain’t got a dump valve, you ain’t invited.

Via gph.is

10. The New Orleans desperately needs to be brought back.

11. If a C2C train is more than 1 minute late, one must hurl abuse at their Twitter.

Then you work from home anyway because you’ve got a ‘legitimate reason’.

12. Canvey Island has apparently been sinking forever.

Bunim/Murray & 20th Century Fox Television / Via gph.is

13. Unfortunately, we know a lot of Essex jokes are true.

Lime Pictures (ITV2) / Via gph.is

14. “What’s that over the river Mum?”…”That little one, is the faraway kingdom of Bluewater with it’s labyrinthian floorplan and expensive shops. We must never go there.”

15. The sun’s out?! All residents must board the C2C and form a half-naked queue into Leigh-On-Sea immediately.

Gracie Films & 20th Century Fox Television / Via gph.is

16. Summer uniform rules are very stringent. Failure to adhere will result in being lame.

Snapback, Aviators, Tan, Tight Polo T-Shirt, Tailored Pastel Shorts, Shiny Legs, No Socks, Boxfresh Shoes, and a Lager. Do not under any circumstances leave the house without your tiny manbag.

17. Summer uniform for girls is also fairly strict.

Bunim/Murray Productions & The Weinstein Company Television / Via gph.is

18. Once a year loads of farmers from the weird parts of Essex put on the Orsett Show and horses dance.

19. No. Adventure Island is Peter Pan’s. Thanks.

20. When the mods on scooters drive in to Southend it sounds like a swarm of hoovers - and it’s actually really cool.

De Laurentiis Entertainment Group / Via giphy.com

21. We actually don’t know what’s past Chelmsford. Surely it’s not still Essex?

Telepictures Productions / Via gph.is

22. Bas Vegas is where souls go to die.

23. Most are lost to Liquid and Envy.

But some are saved by the Reverend and his SOS bus.

24. Older souls are lost to Chicagos.

youtube.com (LucasFilm) / Via giphy.com

25. Hungry souls are lost to the Aroma Chinese buffet.

The Jim Henson Company / Via giphy.com

26. Everyone has warm memories of Orsett Hall. Weddings, Proms… and the BLAZING INFERNO.

27. Go to the Brush. Mix a Snakebite, a Rodney and a Weedkiller. Dance to Indie. Fall down. Daryl’s Kebabs.

20th Century Fox / Via giphy.com

28. No-one is yet over the loss of Action Stations.

MTV / Via giphy.com

The place of childhood dreams.

29. Where are the cooling-down coke cans now?

30. Driving around/over Sadler’s Farm Roundabout is pure panic. Even after it had an Olympic makeover.

Paramount Pictures / Via gph.is

31. If you can hold your breath through the Dartford Tunnel the whole way, you feel like superman.

20th Century Fox / Via giphy.com

32. Wat Tyler Park’s amazing mini-train.

33. “We ‘ad a propa sick sesh bombin’ it daan the A13 . Yeh I am bare buzzin’ bruv, fort it was gonna be bleak. I dun’arf wanna get gattered though innit…. You out t’night fella? Let’s get ON IT. Nice one bruv, bell me later.”

Disney / Via gph.is

34. Everyone is known by their surnames.

Smithy, Stanton, Fletcher, Wrighty, Cooky, Coxy, Reedo and the one called Chunk, but no one can remember why?

35. You’re always only 2 mutual friends or less away from a member of TOWIE.


36. On the upside, we’ll always have Dame Helen Mirren.

Summit Entertainment / Via giphy.com

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