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8 Reasons You Might Be A Nervous Pooper

It's like feeling an anxiety attack, but in your butt.

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1. You have a panic attack when you think about going anywhere for an extended period of time


I once stayed at my boyfriend's for four straight days, in a house that also rented out rooms to 5 other guys with a single bathroom that had a toilet that bobbed down into the rotting floor. <-- that's a horror story for anyone that likes to defecate daily but doesn't want it publicly known.

2. Any human noise will "scare it back up"

About the worst thing you can do to a nervous pooper is talk to them through the bathroom door. If we're leaving the room in the middle of a movie and we say that you don't have to pause it, that's usually code for "turn it up louder, I don't want you to hear me taking a shit."

Just don't mention it. At all.

3. You'll take it personally if you can't do the poo.

It's true, you'll count yourself as a straight up failure as a human being for not being able to squeeze one out like normal people. You'll get sensitive, weepy, and even more anxiety because you think you're all alone in the world. Take a deep breathe, and have some Pepto Bismol.

4. Elliot Reid is your bathroom spirit animal

Sarah Chalk's beloved neurotic all-woman doctor on the t.v. show Scrubs is the definition of a nervous human being with problems on the pot. In several instances, the show has addressed the fact that she absolutely cannot have someone over to her place one hour before or after using the facility, has run home from work to use her own bathroom, and has even broken through a window when her peers tried to ease her into speaking to her while using the toilet.

5. This video weirds you out

View this video on YouTube

Yeah, you wish you could be this comfortable for the world to see. On the surface, you think it's so simplistically hilarious, but deep down in your colon, you shudder with fear.

7. The uh... *ahem* dirty stuff

It's a crazy sick world out there, and some people don't like the norm when it comes to bumping uglies. You don't even want to think about this thought, as much as you'd like to say that people have a right to like what they like. So long as it doesn't involve you because you'd probably literally die from all the embarrassment. Like this episode of Family Guy that pokes fun at the reaction videos that took over the web for "2 girls one cup." I'm almost sorry I said anything.

8. There's no place like home

Perhaps if you have some free time at work or at a restaurant, you think for a moment "maybe...just maybe." But then you're haunted by the echoing sounds of people yapping into their phones or the dreaded fear of someone peeping over the stall wall. The minute you drop those pants and seat yourself on the all-too-familiar porcelain throne of your own kingdom, the tightening of the cheeks relinquishes and all is well.

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