1. TAKE ONE SIP WHEN:
2. Seth MacFarlane acknowledges that he’s an odd choice to host the Oscars.
3. Seth MacFarlane references Anne Hathaway’s disastrous hosting gig.
4. The camera pans to Anne Hathaway, who can’t believe he went there!
5. Ben Affleck does something charming in response to Seth MacFarlane’s joke about his Best Director snub.
6. An “Argo” pun is made.
7. Seth MacFarlane references Emmanuelle Riva’s advanced age and implies that she will die soon.
8. Someone at your Oscars party says, “Wait, she died??” during the In Memoriam montage.
9. A winner cries thanking Mom and Dad.
10. A winner says, “I hear the music, but I have more people to thank!”
12. TAKE TWO SIPS WHEN:
13. Someone mispronounces “Quvenzhané.”
14. Hugh Jackman extolls the virtues of his beautiful wife, WHOM HE LOVES VERY MUCH.
15. Catherine Zeta-Jones sings.
16. The ceremony, which is running long, is compared to the torture scenes in “Zero Dark Thirty.”
17. Seth MacFarlane makes a joke about “Octopussy” during the James Bond tribute.
18. Seth MacFarlane makes fun of someone’s accent.
19. The camera pans between exes. One sip for each spurned lover.
20. There’s a montage of classic movies and no one knows what it’s for.
21. Sofia Vergara shows up in a commercial. (Sip Diet Pepsi!)
22. Someone at your Oscars party shames you for not having seen “Amour.”
23. Any acceptance speech quotes Lincoln.
24. CHUG WHEN:
25. Seth MacFarlane starts speaking in the Stewie voice. And don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.
26. Someone does a full reenactment of Jodie Foster’s coming out speech.
27. You accidentally make eye contact with Barbra Streisand.
28. Someone at your Oscars party brags about having seen all the Best Foreign Film nominees.
29. You realize “Snow White and the Huntsman” has two more Academy Award noms than you do.
30. Dame Shirley Bassey and Adele come to blows over who sang a Bond song better.
31. Anne Hathaway begins her acceptance speech. You’re going to need it.
32. Anyone says “blerg.”
33. Jennifer Lawrence finds a way to reference “The First Wives Club” again.
34. You realize you are hopelessly attracted to Seth MacFarlane.
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