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    "Mother Goose Rock 'n' Rhyme" Was The Most Cracktastic Kids' Movie Of The '90s

    The Disney Channel movie starred Shelley Duvall as Little Bo Peep traveling through nursery rhymes. Like many '90s kids' movies, it was equal parts fun and horrifying.

    On May 19, 1990, the Disney Channel aired the most bizarro nursery rhyme mash-up of all time.

    Jean Stapleton played Mother Goose, whose sudden disappearance spurs her son into action.

    Mother Goose's son Gordon Goose (I know) is a total square who doesn't get the whole nursery rhyme thing.

    Then, Mother Goose's nursery rhymes spring to life as "rhymies."

    We're supposed to think Gordon is lame for not loving Rhymeland, but in his defense, Rhymeland is TERRIFYING.

    Blondie's Debbie Harry was the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe!

    Enter Shelley Duvall as Little Bo Beep.

    Gordon and Bo Peep soon discover that Mother Goose is missing, and there are signs of a struggle!

    The next nursery rhyme character we meet is the Itsy Bitsy Spider, played by Broadway star Ben Vereen.

    Next up: ZZ Top as the Three Men in a Tub.

    The Three Men guide Gordon and Bo Peep to Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary, who is predictably difficult.

    On the way to their next stop, Gordon and Bo Peep grab some fast food at Old Mother Hubbard's.

    Here's where things get REALLY strange. Meet Mary and Lou the Lamb.

    Guys. GUYS! It's Woody Harrelson.

    Anyway, Gordon and Bo Peep come to suspect that Peter Piper kidnapped Mother Goose, because look at him.

    Peter Piper leads them to the Crooked Man, who wrote a ransom note for Mother Goose but didn't actually kidnap her.

    And onto Jack and Jill, played by Garry Shandling and Teri Garr.

    Jack is clearly channeling Katy Perry here, right?

    Bo Peep and Gordon have to shrink down in order to hang with Little Miss Muffet, on account of she's little.

    Razzie Award winner Pia Zadora plays Little Miss Muffet.

    Itsy Bitsy Spider returns and takes Gordon and Bo Peep to Old King Cole.

    And then it's like everyone does a lot of acid.

    I'd be screaming too.

    Eventually Gordon is "rescued" by these abominations.

    They just want to make him merry! But also they are tickle fetishists.

    Bo Peep convinces Old King Cole to let Gordon go, and they travel onward to Humpty Dumpty.

    Humpty falls, like he does, but he KEEPS ON TALKING.

    Gordon and Bo Peep end up in a seedy part of town, where they encounter a prostitute and her pimp.

    They head inside to Georgie Porgie's, a bar that makes the Mos Eisley Cantina look tame.

    WHAT HELLISH NURSERY RHYME IS THIS.

    I guess I should note that Art Garfunkel plays Georgie Porgie and his house band is led by Brian Setzer, but I can't get past all the ghoulish barflies.

    Gordon leaves Bo Beep unattended (that dick) to visit the Three Blind Mice Detective Agency.

    Nearing the end of their journey, Gordon and Bo Peep pick up a hitchhiker, Paul "Simple" Simon.

    With Simon gone, Gordon FINALLY ends the will-they-or-won't-they tension with Bo Peep.

    Turns out Mother Goose is trapped in the Real World.

    For reasons unclear to me, the duo put off saving Mother Goose to hit up the local fair, where Cheech Marin is working as a carnival barker.

    But the fair has a purpose: Bo Peep and Gordon snag a ride on the Cow That Jumped Over the Moon, who will take them to Mother Goose.

    At last, Gordon reunites with his mother in the Real World.

    A HUMAN CHILD.

    Luckily, Michael has a heart and he returns the nursery rhyme characters to his book, thereby saving Rhymeland.

    After his adventures, Gordon learns to loosen up and love Rhymeland.

    Goodbye, Rhymeland.