How To Pleasure Your Man In 11 Easy Steps

Or at least this is what I remember reading in Cosmo at 16 years old. WARNING: Toon peen.

Step 1: Make direct eye contact with the penis.

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Step 2: Slowly approach the penis while "smizing."

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Smile with your eyes so it doesn't get scared off.

Step 3: Gently place a soft hair scrunchie around the base of his penis.

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Step 4: Lightly tickle his balls.

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Step 5: TICKLE FASTER.

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Maintain eye contact.

Step 6: Begin to slowly pour maple syrup over the shaft of his penis.

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Continue to tickle balls feverishly and maintain eye contact.

Step 7: Press your cheek against his package and begin to hum show tunes.

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Studies show songs from West Side Story are the most arousing to men.

Step 8: Light a match — slowly and sexily bring it toward his penis.

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It is pivotal that you maintain eye contact here.

Step 9: Light his penis on fire.

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Enjoy his cries of delight.

Step 10: Watch as the flames die down.

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Now would be a good time to start humming "Memory" from the musical Cats.

Step 11: Seductively apply burn ointment.

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MAINTAIN EYE CONTACT and enjoy. Job well-done.

Warning: I have a very bad memory so don't try this at home.