1. Ahhh it's you! So that boy never texted back? Well he obviously isn't seeing the immaculate being I'm lookin at right now. (That's you!)
2. Do you need a hug? Because I'm good at those.
3. Or a handhold, because I'm good at those.
4. He probably had sweaty palms and a weird "stiff hug" method anyway.
5. WHAT?! He didn't even respond to that corgi gif?!?!!? The one where he jumps off the boardwalk and it's hilarious because he tries so hard but doesn't even go that far?
6. Now I'm just mad.
7. I don't even want to waste any more time talking about that boy. UGH.
8. I wanna talk about you!
9. So you're 23, and you eat too much Ramen, and you still don't really know what you wanna be when you grow up? It's okay. I haven't decided yet either.
10. But I do know I want to be your friend.
11. OMG remember that hilarious joke you told the other day?!?!!
12. (Don't look at me, I'm still laughing.)
14. I just remembered how lovely you are.
15. It's too much.
16. I bet Beyoncé would tell you you're cool.
17. I bet Ellen would have you on her show.
18. And I bet if Harry Styles met you he would faint and then wake up and remember why he fainted and try to steady himself on an end table but then faint again.
19. Yeah, you SMEXAY.
20. You make me want to ponder and write poetry and use words like "effervescent."
21. LOL remembering that joke again.
22. I'm pretending you're this car, and also pretending you could handle my 6 tons of weight.
23. I like pretending you're not real and closing my eyes and then opening them up just so I can be like "AHHH YOU ACTUALLY ARE REAL."
24. Tell me right now if you're not real though because this could get awk.
25. Wait did I just hear someone talking about Pigs-in-a-blanket because I will be all over those in like two seconds.
26. Brb, don't worry, I'll get you one too.
27. Oh. Nobody was talking about Pigs-in-a-blanket.
28. But that's okay, because you're still here!
29. And I love you.
30. And I want you to be happy.
31. Do you hear me?
32. You are a baby turtle and the world is your raspberry and you don't need boys that can't even do you the honor of sending an emoji bringing you down!
33. The whole world is at your fingertips!
34. SO MUCH TO DO, SO MUCH TO SEE (SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH TAKIN THE BACKSTREETS)
35. You're a crazy, beautiful, masterpiece of a human being and that's something worth smiling in the snow about!
36. So go get'em tiger!
(And like if you want, give me that stupid boy's number and I'll text him every day for a year asking if he knows of any good Chinese restaurants around here.)