"Toy Story had me convinced that all my toys came to life whenever I wasn't looking."
"Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV."
"I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said, 'Enjoy your night' so I said, 'Not today, thanks' and left."
Those questions that keep you up at night two decades later.
"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
Pile it up, baby.
Bless these sweet, dumb kids.
Happy 20k4 u slut <333333
Expect more. Ageless.
"The average child uses 16,000 feet of Scotch Tape in a day."
Make way for tiny chocoholics!
"The most amazing thing about Finding Dory is how they managed to put a receding hairline on a fish."
The pen IS mightier than the sword.
"The vagina you are trying to reach is no longer in service."
"Day 69 Without Sex: Nice. But also, not nice."
Nope, none at all.
You don't have to actually commit the crimes, obviously. In fact, we strongly encourage you to NOT do crimes!
Grilled cheese or croque-monsieur? You decide.
Always count on grandma for some fingerless weed gloves.
"Dorothy killed two women for a pair of shoes."
Kids are great, but they're also bonkers.
"As everyone knows, women were invented in 1990."
"If you're reading this, that means you're remodeling the bathroom again."
"Widening highways makes congestion worse." — Transportation engineer
Maybe it's only a little bit.
"Overheard a customer talking to a rep @BestBuy as I walked towards them: 'Hi, I have Windows 95 and I need...'"
Mansion or shack????
Lolz for dayz.
You never know what you're gonna stumble upon.
This quiz is harder than Thanos's ass.
"Fuck off Janet I'm not going to your fucking baby shower."
"My brand? texting 'u' and 'you' in the same sentence."
"Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs."
Fresh synonym rolls, anyone?
Imagine waiting 500 years for a makeover and it looks like this ...
We're gonna need a cleanup on aisle 3.
Lettuce tell you about your future.
Bless them all for making things magical.
Answer some food questions.
And a bunch of retweets, too.
Yum and hmmmm.
"My debit card feels more like a gift card...not sure how much is on this, but we’ll give it a try."
**eats ice cubes**
"Toss a church on me."
If you want a new last name, go ahead and pick out some food for children.
There's a reason Jimmy's hashtags always trend worldwide.
"I once watched a line cook drop his phone into a deep fryer and then reach into the boiling oil to get it back."