You'll become a pro at not having to pee
After experiencing an outdoor, festival toilet for the first time, you will suddenly learn how to control your bladder. After all these years, you and that bad boy will finally be in tune. You'll be known as Master. Sensei. You'll have stern words for your friends who are trying to make you go to the damp portaloos with them.
"What do you mean you need to pee again?"
"I haven't peed since we got here AND I HAD A MOJITO."
You'll become part-hippo, part-human
You might normally be the kind of person who hates the rain or getting biro on their fingers or a general taste of fresh air. But at a festival - you become a dirt-embracing, mud-between-your-toes-loving, hug-giving hippie. If everyone else rolls in the mud, you'll do it too and not even think twice. Go with the flow, man. Life is beautiful.
You'll develop a stomach like Mary Poppins' bag
Your ability to eat and drink and eat and drink at this festival is a feat of crazy science. Where is it all going?! We've already established that you're not peeing anything out, yet you've somehow managed to eat all day. It's something of sheer brilliance to behold. And, as you keep telling us, you never eat like this.
"I never eat like this. What's happening to me?"
"Believe in magic, muggle."
And you'll be able to hunt down food like a grizzly
Drunk friend who's been chugging fruit ciders on an empty stomach? That one girl who always gets a break-up text from her plonker of a boyfriend during your festival fun day? You are all over it my friend. You can sniff out a chip stand a mile away. Carbs are the answer to most 99.99999% of problems. Fact.
"Here, have a saveloy. It's better than a boyfriend anyway."
You will build legs of steel
Like Iron Man but with zero effort from you. You might not realise how much walking it takes to get yourself to/around/back from a decent festival. You'll feel like your legs could motor their way to Timbuctoo. Without you. They don't need guidance or Google Maps. They're legs! And they're freakin' awesome.
They might not feel quite so perky the next day after you've busted out all your moves. Just saying.
You'll become a pro when it comes to queue-jumping
"I'm really sorry but my little sister is somewhere in this queue. My Mum will kill me if I lose her! And she's on crutches because she did this thing at netball and this is meant to be her treat to cheer her up and-"
"Yo, Dave! You owe me a pint."
By the way, being a pro doesn't also mean you're not an idiot.
You'll feel more attractive than you ever have in your life
Which makes absolutely no sense seeing as you haven't showered for a week and you're wearing a bin bag because your clothes got nicked. But everyone loves you. Everyone wants to sleep with you. There's no question about whether you're being given the eye. Of course you're being given the eye.
This is festival land. Unholy place of romping and having a generally kinky time.
You'll become the world's best improviser
You don't know the words to the song, do you? But that isn't going to stop you, is it? No - you are a walking, talking, dancing, singing improvisation machine. Who cares if you've never heard this song in your life? You're going to head bang and mouth your way through it with everybody else. Heck, they're so convinced by you they're starting to doubt if they know the real words.
Move over, John Newman. A new star is born.
You'll find a way to work 'festival' into every single sentence
You have loved this. This has been a total blast. You became a hero this weekend, a lover, an utter god. The festival might be over but you haven't lost your final superpower yet - the ability to keep talking about it forever. Like, incessantly.
"There was a dude wearing that exact same shirt at the festival."
"Oh my god, this one time, at the festival…"
"I think I ate that at the festival. Hey, Dave. Didn't I eat that at the festival?"
I didn't say anyone would love it.
There's always next year.