pardon my grammatical mistakes. i just don't give a fuck. its my photo. this is about me.. and not in the type of way where i am going to introduce my whole life to you from the very beginning. this is a summary of what is going on and why i cannot grasp the fact the i cannot find a suitable mate, someone i enjoy, someone that enjoys me and dealing with the fact that i am having a hard time with this. i want to tell you that i am okay with being alone but in all reality i am not. i hate being alone, i don't want to be alone. i feel like i am never going to be okay. IS IT SO BAD TO HAVE NORMAL FEELINGS? i feel like i cant even express myself without people telling me that i need to be okay with being alone. i have a five year old daughter.her father and i divorced a few years ago. theres not much else to that story except we fell in love, we had a baby and we divorced. we share custody. she is my world. i love her more than anything else i could ever love. end of that story. in the last few years this is my relationship status:- boy meets girl, baby, marriage, divorce. i felt the spark of love for this man., it was instant and inseparable from the very beginning. I am still waiting to feel this way again. - next relationship with someone i fell head over heels for because i was going through a divorce.. on and off for two years. lived together for a short time. over and done.- dated some men in off periods- after the final break up....about six months into being single, having fun and not looking for a real relationship.. someone that i was interested asked me out. i thought it would be wonderful. he already knew my daughter and totally adored her. he knew me on a personal level, he had met my family from being friends. like i said, i thought it would be wonderful. it wasnt.he wasnt. he had secretive jealousy issues from the get go... even before we decided to " date" (found that out when he asked me who a guy i was dating was and why he had a heart next to his name??).. so after six months of trying to date, spending every weekend at my house, HAVING A EFFING TOOTH BRUSH AT MY HOUSE, calling him my boyfriend to strangers, talking every day, he wouldnt commit to me because he said he we werent done getting to know each other.. but GOD FORBID i didnt call him my boyfriend to another man... i was not his girlfriend. he was cold, emotionless, neglectful with how he felt and on top of that... after dating for six months... we made out one.. ONE TIME. on the first "date".. we never did anything else. a couple of kisses here and there.. the akward side hug.. nothing. he put a effing pillow between us at night. i bent over backwards to try to be with him the way he said he wanted to, i picked him up every time we hung out, i was always taking him to fun things (hockey, baseball, dinners..) anything i did, i invited him to do it with me.well that ended. i dont count it as being in a relationship. i have been single officially for over 365 days. it doesnt sound like a lot. but i am a mother. i dont want to raise my child in a single mother environment. i dont want her to have to deal with the things i had to deal with. im not rushing settling down but i dont want her to feel the way i did. i wish my mother didnt wait 26 years after her divorce to remarry. i want her to have a strong, loving and kind male influence in her life. now, its been since November that i stopped seeing him. after a quick fight, we never spoke again. it was because i wanted to have a physical realtionship. after all.. he was the one who talked about buying a house, a future, children, etc.. with me in it. its been full of anxiety and depression the last year. i started medications and therapy. they have been so helpful.i am at the point where i want to be with someone, not just date, not just hook up. i want a real relationship. i want the good, the bad, the ugly, the hard times. i have been trying to date this one guy.. hes nice, has a great job, we get along, we have fun when we hang out, we have hooked up a couple times and it was good. i would like to see him more but we only see each other like once every two weeks. what the hell is that? that means theres no spark in my eyes. or at least its only one sided. i look at myself and i know i am not crazy (every crazy person says that). i am not a horrible person to look at. i dress nice, im 5'3, not terribly ugly and out of shape but come on ive had a child. i have blonde hair (most of the time) and i am funny and friendly. i work hard and have a great job... i dont work too much to not have free time though. my daughter is a joy to be around. yes- im boosting myself.. why the eff not? why cant i find someone normal? that isnt just looking to hook up with me? why cant i find someone normally instead of online dating and re-returns to past dates that didnt work out, that didnt have the spark? i have had people ask me out, they are very interested. they are all dead-ends.they either:dont work, have a job or career. dont want children or dont like childrenare trying to just have sex with meare not willing to make time to acutally get together.. therefore, are not serious. i can tell you that any time i have been on a date.. i dont rush into anything. i am cool and fun. its all about connecting and having a good time. i have never told anyone that i am looking for a relationship or to get married to them. i KNOW i dont scare them off. does the spark not exist anymore? am i over thinking it? is it because i am a single mother? i want to hear your answers, dont be harsh. i dont want a heart break from reading your responses. how do people even find a spouse, a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend... anything.. now days? me this was my first date with Mike. id like to think im a sight for sore eyes? maybe not.