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Thoughts You Have While Drunk Texting...And The Morning After

We all do it. We all regret it. We all repress it. We all never learn from it.

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1. Is everyone here a couple but me? *eye roll*

2. I am not even drunk

3. I’ll check my phone, because I have no one to talk to

4. No messages, huh

5. Oh, a Snapchat from ~my crush~!

6. He is so funny, putting a hat on his dog

7. I wonder what he is up to

8. Maybe I’ll text him

9. I should text him Yo, sup- that would be a great text

10. Oh shoot, my finger slipped: “Yo up?”

11. “Yo, sup??*” much better

12. He has such a pretty dog, from what I saw on Snapchat.

13. “Cute dog”

14. Is that weird? I mean, he sent me a picture of his dog, so obviously he knows I know what it looks like.

15. I bet his dog has an awesome name

16. Am I a Stage-Five-Clinger for referencing his dog?

17. I’ll check Buzzfeed while I wait for him to respond

18. Maybe I’ll have another shot

19. Oh, something funny about Jennifer Lawrence

20. She is so cool

21. Am I cool?

22. I just ordered a shot of whiskey, of course I’m cool

23. Why is no hot guy around to see me take this shot of whiskey?


24. He still hasn’t responded.

25. I’ll copy and paste the same text, so he thinks my phone sent it twice and not me.

26. Genius.

27. I’ll text my ex

28. “Are yuo stil in grad school? haha”

29. *drops phone*

30. Crap! Please don’t have a crack, please don’t have a crack.

31. My mom is always saying I need a case on this thing.

32. She is so right. I’m an idiot.

33. Phew, no crack. Cases are for suckers.

34. Seriously, everyone here has someone to hang with but me. I’m never going out with this group of friends again.

35. What did people do at bars before they had phones to occupy themselves?

36. People say that my generation is always on our phones

37. But my crush isn’t, he isn’t responding.

38. Maybe my phone is broken, and can’t accept texts.

39. I’ll text my best friend- “Do you think it would be I’m at dog watch wojkdne wohkd wor weird to text Karl?”

40. “I’m gonna translate that to: Do you think it would be weird to text my ex? And yes. I do.”

41. Okay, so my phone isn’t broken.

42. Oh shoot, I just sent my ex “I love you.”

43. That wasn’t even clever.

44. I’ll text again, something funny.

45. “School spirit Tkmorrow”

46. Woah, talk about autocorrect.

47. I hate that tomorrow is spelled wrong in my autocorrect. It’s the absolute worst.

48. He is typing.

49. He is still typing!

50. What is he typing?!

51. Is he telling me that he wants to get back together?


53. Okay, THIS is the absolute worst.

54. He said, “Are you drunk?”


56. I am the coolest person ever.


57. I’ll see if my crush has responded.

58. He read it. I love read receipts.

59. He is typing.

60. How did I end up in the bathroom?

61. “Huh?” he said.

62. Calm down, Self. Play it cool.

63. Well I can’t leave the stall now, I need to focus.

64. I’ll say, “Haters gonna hat, hate, hate, hate, hate”

65. *scroll up to re-read all texts*

66. Okay, I can kinda see where he might have been confused.

67. He just asked if I was drinking. What’s with all these guys asking if I’m drinking? It’s a Thursday night. Obviously.

68. “I miss you, haha... I’ve had a few,” that’s a good follow up.

69. I think I might be really good at texting.

70. I miss my college roommates, that’s who I miss.

71. I’ll text them. “I lOve you all. You are my REAL best friendZ.”

72. I miss college. When I was still dating my ex. When nothing mattered.

73. I am sad.

74. This bar is so loud.

75. Sam Smith is my spirit animal.

76. I wonder if I could bring an animal into the bar?

77. I wonder if my crush would bring his dog?

78. I’ll just drown everything out as I listen to this Sam Smith song in my head.

79. Wait, is this Sam Smith?

80. I just asked my crush “Is this Sam Smith?” Will he understand that?

81. Man this bar is so crowded. How can anyone get a beer here?

82. A Text!

83. Ugh, false alarm, it’s from my sister.

83. Stop texting me, Leah! Don’t you know I’m busy?

84. Why did she ask where I am? I’m at this bar with her.

85. *Looks up* Wait, where am I? I was at the bar with her.

**Black out**


*Wake up*

1. Oh god.

2. What happened last night?

3. How did I end up home?

4. Where is my phone?! Did I lose my phone?!

5. Oh, I plugged it in. Nice job, Self.

6. I spent HOW much on Uber?

7. Is that a joke?

8. Woah, tons of texts.

9. Oh. No.

10. I texted my sleezy ex? AND my crush?!

11. I can’t read it

12. Maybe I’ll just read the first text.

13. *Gulp* Oh. No.

14. *Delete entire conversation*

15. Phew. If I deleted it from my phone, then it never happened, right?

16. I have 17 texts from my college group. Someone must have been drunk last night.

17. My head hurts.

18. I’m going back to bed and never using my phone again.

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