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What Kind Of Hell Are You Going To In The Afterlife?

An old man trips over his grocery cart in front of you. What do you do?

You are eternally chained to your workplace. Everyone makes small talk and is passive aggressive about small things. You have no work really, so you're just sitting there, watching the clock melt off the wall — except at 4:45 p.m., when everyone will want everything done all at the same time. You will leave the office at 8 p.m. just for a second. It will be cold and dark outside, but it will still smell like office. You will go back inside and start anew. There are no windows.

Working in an office. Forever.

You are perpetually in places and events where you cannot speak your mind, while everyone around you speaks theirs. Everything that is being said goes against your beliefs and values. You’re the only one around you that thinks differently. You could be at a wedding, party, funeral — voicing your opinion would be an embarrassment at best and a tragedy at worst. You are socially paralyzed and cannot leave.

You have to be on your best behavior. Forever.

You will find yourself in a house you love, surrounded by everything you could ever want... except you can't use or interact with any of it. It will always smell like a delicious meal, but the food will never come. The views of the outdoors will be breathtaking, but you will not be able to go outside. There is a hot tub you can never get to heat up. An amazing sound system, a record player, and limitless amount of beautiful music, but no power cable. A bed fit for a king that has a bedbug infestation and no bug spray/extermination solutions. Oh yeah, and you'll be really, REALLY thirsty.

Water everywhere but not an ounce to drink. Forever.

You’re eternally in your car, and everywhere you need to go is pretty far away. Everyone else is driving there too, so you sit in traffic for hours. No matter where you're going, no matter the time of day, there will always be traffic that you will have to sit in if you want to get to where you want to go. You move around little by little every hour, but ultimately you never quite reach your destination. The only cassette tape in your car (because your Bad Place is in the '80s) is “Learning to Speak Icelandic Vol. 3” out of a set of eight. You never really learn how to speak the language, you just learn how to conjugate the verbs. Did we mention you’re not in Iceland?

Gridlock. Forever.

Everything you want or need is just a phone call away. This phone call is to an automated phone service that requires you to speak (no dial pad use allowed). The options are never quite what you need, but trying to get to a human being results in an endless loop of being on hold with white noise as the sound, so you’re never quite sure if you got hung up on or if you’re still on hold. But, 99.9% of the time you end up talking to the machine again. By the way, the machine is voiced by your least favorite celebrity.

On Hold. Forever.

You are forwarded 50 years into the future and everything has changed, but you will never be able to adjust. You have no idea how technology works or even how to access it. You don’t understand customs and societal expectations, so you embarrass yourself constantly but you never realize how. The food tastes foreign and bad. You don’t know how it’s made, or what’s in it — it’s just bad. You understand the language, but the slang got out of hand so half the time you don’t know what is going on. You’re the exact same age you are now, so no one really understands why you can’t understand.

Still Human. Forever.

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What Kind Of Hell Are You Going To In The Afterlife?

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