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21 Totally Crazy Shoes No One Should Ever Have To Wear

These shoes suck. These shoes rule!

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Hi. We are Kristin and Leo, and sometimes we like to talk about fashion. Today, we are going to talk about the wild and wacky world of shoes. Before we start, here are our shoe-related thoughts:

Sam Slipper for BuzzFeed

Leo: Shoes! THE WINDOWS TO THE SOLE!

Kristin: Dude, I love shoes. It's the only clothing item where I tell people my size and ALL THE LADIES BE JEALOUS.

Kristin: To be fair, "Fuck Off" is generally how I feel about most shoes by the time I take them off, anyway.

Leo: Is it just me or do you read these shoes in a British accent? "Fuck off, dahling, now bring me some tea!"

Kristin: OK.

3. Asos Maxie Flat Shoes, $73

http://us.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-MAXIE-Flat-Shoes/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5037077&cid=4172&sh=0&pge=1&pgesize=204&sort=-1&clr=Silver&totalstyles=1967&gridsize=3&r=2
http://us.asos.com/ASOS/ASOS-MAXIE-Flat-Shoes/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=5037077&cid=4172&sh=0&pge=1&pgesize=204&sort=-1&clr=Silver&totalstyles=1967&gridsize=3&r=2

Kristin: Who is this model on the left? Casual Friday Cinderella?

Leo: I mean, I wore these to Versailles last week for my coffee date/guillotine consultation with Louis XIV.

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Leo: Just in from Discount Life Hacks Emporium: dust mop stilettos! I'd call these Primp 'n' Mop Pumps.

Kristin: Pour one out for the Muppet who died in order to make this shoe possible.

Kristin: "Gather around, kids, let me tell you a story of the time I put on some cool shoes and ended up getting stuck in a sewer grate."

Leo: These are a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Kristin: When looking for a pair of booties to buy, I always hope for something that truly says, "Please do not compliment me on my shoes, because if you do, I will definitely make you a pair just like them for Christmas."

Leo: Kristin, let me ask you a question. Can you picture me, sitting next to a fire, sipping hot cocoa, wearing these...and nothing else?

Kristin: I can.

Leo: That's all I need to know. Thank you.

Kristin: GET A HAIRCUT, SHOE.

Leo: You know how there's always that one hair on the back of your ankle that you can never get to and it grows FOREVER? This is a footwear representation of that.

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Leo: Cue up the Phish and hand me a Nature Valley granola bar; it's 2001 and I am ready for Bonnaroo!

Kirstin: I think Birkenstocks are a good way to tell the world, "The bottoms of my feet are currently very dirty, and if you don't like it, that's your problem."

Leo: "And smelly." No offense.

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13. Chloe Fur Moon Boots, $695

barneys.com

Kristin: Look, if you're going to kill an adorable fuzzy creature to make a shoe, at least kill one big enough to cover the whole shoe. I mean, that's just being professional.

Leo: These were all over the runways in 2015 in Winterfell.

Kristin: YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, SHOE.

Leo: These shoes come with a second floor, which is more than I can say of my apartment.

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16. Simone Rocha Ballet Slippers, $282.83

colette.fr

Kristin: I feel like these shoes really simulate what it's like to have five cats living in your home.

Leo: Yes! Every time I find a shoe that's been hiding under the bed for a couple weeks, it looks just like this. I didn't know I could be charging bank for them, though.

http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306624257&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446827537&R=8059297197308&P_name=Fendi&N=306624257&bmUID=kUFk3.f
http://www.saksfifthavenue.com/main/ProductDetail.jsp?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306624257&PRODUCT%3C%3Eprd_id=845524446827537&R=8059297197308&P_name=Fendi&N=306624257&bmUID=kUFk3.f

Kristin: These shoes definitely know what you did last summer, and they are pissssssed.

Leo: They are also in a fairly good position to look up your skirt. Good thing they don't have arms. Or iPhones.

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http://www.neimanmarcus.com/Fendi-Shearling-Fur-Ice-Heel-Boot-Light-Rose/prod179960260_cat47190746__/p.prod?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat47190746%2526pageSize%253D117%2526No%253D351%2526Ns%253DPCS_SORT%2526refinements%253D&eItemId=prod179960260&cmCat=product
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/Fendi-Shearling-Fur-Ice-Heel-Boot-Light-Rose/prod179960260_cat47190746__/p.prod?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat47190746%2526pageSize%253D117%2526No%253D351%2526Ns%253DPCS_SORT%2526refinements%253D&eItemId=prod179960260&cmCat=product

Kristin: This shoe looks like the Abominable Snowman sat down on a block of ice and is really just trying to evaluate his life right now.

Leo: Pretty sure these are made of the stuff they put in walls. What's it called? Fiberglass. So, true, they may keep you insulated. They may also give you cancer if you eat them.