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18 Things All Writers Wish They Could Say

"I just sold my book for one million billion dollars, so consider this my two weeks' notice."

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1. "I write every day."

wifflegif.com

I write...text messages every day.

2. "I can spend the entire day pouring thoughts onto the page."

When I am not at my job that I need to survive.
Neil Slorance / neilslorance.com

When I am not at my job that I need to survive.

3. "Amazing ideas just naturally come to me."

I definitely do not have a list of book ideas that includes "space hipsters." Nope.

4. "I can structure the plot of a novel in my sleep."

AMC / giphy.com

I mean, I did. And then I woke up and forgot it.

5. "Editing is the best part of writing."

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Don't worry, the red ink only follows me into all my nightmares.

6. "I actually enjoy chopping up the first draft of my novel into pieces. It doesn't make me anxious at all."

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Maybe if I just change the font...

7. "I can probably produce a polished draft of my book in six months."

Disney / ABC

Six months times two years.

8. "I enjoy getting critiques on my work. I never take criticism personally."

Viacom

I. JUST. LOVE. YOUR. NOTES. NOW. GO. FUCK. YOURSELF.

9. "I just got a book deal!"

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The deal is that I'm working on getting a book deal.

10. "There was even a bidding war. I can't say how much it sold for but you can read the Publisher's Weekly item that quotes a 'high six figures.'"

#blessed

11. "My book is ranked VERY high on Amazon."

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Yes. # 1,322,231 is my rank and it is a very high number.

12. "It's a New York Times best-seller!"

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And definitely not because I just purchased 1,000 copies of my own book.

13. "My book has just been optioned — it's gonna be a movie!"

ABC / giphy.com

Yep. All you need is hard work and dedication to make it into Hollywood.

14. "Meryl Streep is considering playing the lead in the adaptation of my book."

20th Century Fox

And by "considering" I mean she has no idea who I am.

15. "I never get writer's block."

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Like what even is that amirite lololol?

16. "Auto reply: I will be unable to respond to your email as I am currently researching my third book in the South of France."

wifflegif.com

Life is so hard.

17. "You want to know MY tips for writing?"

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Many alcohols.

18. "My problem is that I write TOO much."

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Or it will be, once I stop procrastinating.

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